Goodbye, for now.

As I lay in bed, attempting to sleep, my mind began racing. It always does this, but I've taught myself to stop it. Instead of taming those thoughts, I finally got out of bed to write. Not just write for me in a journal, but write for everyone who has been a follower, reader, or just a passerby in my life.
         I'm writing to say goodbye for the time being. The blogger world has taken me on a wonderful journey, with several bumps that made me realize that it's time to put a hold on blogging.
        Originally, I had begun writing because I was angry. A new friend responded, well that's not good, when I answered the question of why I started writing. But that anger got me writing again. I'm not angry anymore, but I do want to keep on writing.
         This blog has opened up a lot for me. I've learned about myself. I've learned about my friends, and the people I thought were my friends. I've learned about my family. And most importantly, I've learned about how important love is in life, no matter what type of love it may be.
         This blog helped me. This blog inspired others, which is my main goal through my writing. This blog also had negative consequences. This blog pissed people off. This blog messed some relationships up, while opening my eyes to understand that maybe some relationships weren't as important as I thought they were.
          This blog was a public journal that turned into something more. The positive always outweighed the negative. The compliments drove me to keep writing here, but that should not be the main reason to write. I want to be a novelist, and I will be. I've written short stories and children's books, but never a novel. Well it's time to start that novel.
           In the book God Never Blinks, Regina Brett wrote about someone who inspired her, which has inspired me. Another writer, Annie Dillard, wrote a book that Brett felt should be shared in her book. Here I will share Dillard's advice as written by Brett:

"She advises writers to use all their material now. Don't save an anecdote, paragraph, quote, beginning or ending for some better novel or poem or short story you plan to write sometime in the future. The fact that you want to use it means you should.

It takes an act of faith. You have to trust that once you use up the good stuff, more good stuff will appear. The well will fill back up."

Well, I have been sitting on some good ideas for a while now. I actually have a running list in my phone of stories I want to write. Stories I want to finish. So instead of writing here every day, I will be writing my first of many novels. I will be acting on a dream, a goal, a future acheivement.

            I thank all of you who have inspired me to move forward. I also thank those of you, both new and old in my life, who have been able to give me the push I needed even when I may not have wanted to hear it. And to all my avid blogger friends, I will still read yours even when I'm not writing here.

            Thank you, and goodbye for now.

Runnin'

Running to get somewhere. Running away from something. Running to something. Running partially parallels with my life.
          I consider the physical act of running to be one of my biggest passions. (And now I'm thinking about  what my passions consist of, but that'll be for a later date.) I wrote my college essay on running. I consider myself an avid runner.
          I run when I'm happy, sad, angry, needing to work out, needing alone time, needing to think. I run for no reason at all. For about 10 years, running has been a consistent part of my life. I always thought that I needed to run though, whether it was to deal with emotions or to stay in shape.
          Guess what? I don't. I can deal with my emotions without running, and I don't need to run to stay in shape. But the other day, while I was cooling down after a pain-free run, I surprised myself with the thought that running used to be how I lived my life, all the time.
          I wouldn't stop to smell a flower, or take in a moment. Take in the smells, the feelings, the taste, the imagery. I was always feeling this constant push to moving towards or away from something, a fast pace.
          But now, I'm slowing down, in a good way. I'm not living my life like running. I'm running for pleasure, and my life has many memories because I'm capturing those moments in time. Examples of these memories will come later.

It hurts every time.

No matter how many times you feel pain, and no matter how many times you throw your heart out on the line, there is always the chance of getting hurt.
           If you're like me, you like to throw yourself out there, a lot. If you're like me, you're open to new adventures, new romances, new loves, old loves, any kind of love. Because I had a very satisfying taste of being in love, I'm always hoping for something or someone to come along and feed me more than just a taste.
            Luckily, I'm in the moment of forgetting that pain, that ache in your chest that hurts so much you can't breathe. Right now, my heart is open.
            I've chosen to put that pain in a box that only comes out in a really low moment. No matter what though, everyone has gone through it who has tried. Everyone knows that it sucks to get hurt. It sucks even more to truly love someone and then lose him or her. But everyone in this boat knows the truth.
            We've loved and lost. It hurts every time.

My platform friend

I know I've mentioned this before, but I love simple things. Especially simple things that make me smile. I have officially surpassed the two month mark of commuting on the train to work every morning, but it wasn't very long after I began this commute that I made a platform friend.
          Let me preface that my platform (of the train station) friend is much older, and he probably has grandchildren my age. It began as just a simple "good morning beautiful" or "good morning young lady." I would smile, say good morning, but I've noticed that my smile would linger. How nice it is to have a stranger tell you that look beautiful when it's not even 7:30 AM.
           The more important part is that it's very rare to have a stranger say hello or even smile at you anymore. And so, I appreciate my platform friend. Last week, we finally introduced ourselves. He wanted to know my name so that it made our greeting more personal. I agree with this.
           Now, every morning, as I wait for my train to roll in, my platform friend says hello, and always requests I remove my sunglasses so he can see my eyes. Greetings from strangers, but now a friend, is a great way to start any day of my week, no matter what may lay ahead.

Like standing on your tip toes

You know in the beginning of something, when you're so excited that you feel like you're going to burst? I know the feeling all too well. But it's as if there's a brick wall between you and this something new. So you stand up on your tip toes, trying your hardest to peer over to find out more. Then, no matter what you do, you still can't see. 

             I've been having those moments lately. There's a great excitement about the tip toe phase. What's next? And you smile while as you wonder and imagine. 

            But then what happens when whatever it is you're trying to see lets you in and gives you a helpful ladder to get over the wall? This moment of transition leads to a comfort zone, at least that's what I've found in some experiences. You get comfortable in your ways. You find a routine, and you may even begin to lose the excitement. 

            That loss of excitement, yearning, and eagerness drives me away sometimes. That fear is usually why I run away from the brick wall and head in the opposite direction. I have this fear of getting too comfortable, but is there something wrong with that?

             I'm young. I'm alive. And most importantly, I'm happy. It's just up to me to keep the excitement around. So the next time that I find out what's on the other side of the brick wall, I will stand back up on my tip toes to look over the next brick wall within this something new. 

Needing some motivation

Yesterday, I made a new friend. I like this friend. (I am still trying to decide what his nickname will be.) We discussed my writing, specifically my blog, and he complimented me on how I can write every day. I never thought about writing being unenjoyable or difficult for people. I hadn't thought about that because I love to write so much.
            Some days, I find myself struggling to find something connected to love to write about. Other times, I find I have too many things to say and can't write it all done quick enough. Today is one of those days where I wish I had a little more motivation or inspiration.
            Part of me misses chronicling my love life, especially when I am excited about the person I've just met and am bursting with the desire to share every little detail. But I am holding true to my choice of not sharing that with all of you anymore.
             Today, with my cheeks pink from yesterday's sun, and my back sore from tubing, I am grateful for my life. I am even more grateful for this gift of loving to write. I had not thought about writing as something displeasing, nor as something I could live without. I just forget to appreciate my desire to write and my passion for it that drives me to keep a blog and keep writing.
               My love for writing, and actually enjoying the act of writing, is mine, and mine alone. I would not have it any other way. And even on days when I need some motivation, I still push through to write because it's something I love.

A reminder

Be optimistic!

Don't be a grumpy

When the road gets bumpy

Just smile!

- Shirley Temple

Smile from a stranger

Last night, I went into the city to have dinner with a friend. We ate at the most fabulous restaurant called Flex. If you like seafood, mussels specifically, go!
            When dessert time came, I didn't think I had room in me, but there's nothing like key lime pie in the summertime... I can die happy now. Food completes me sometimes. And as far as my meal last night is concerned, my life is complete.
             On the train ride into the city, I finished one of the several books I'm reading, God Never Blinks. One of the many concepts that I took away from it was that I have everything I need. I really do.
             So when a little pleasure comes along, like a delicious meal, it puts my life into perspective again. I really have everything I need, so I'm grateful that I get to taste more than that.
            The train ride home left me content. I sat down in a three-seat row, threw my feet up on the seat, and prepared to nap. I didn't nap. I smiled. I felt truly happy, and then a handsome guy sat down.
             We didn't chat or have small talk or get to know each other. We each listened to our iPods, while making sideways glances at each other. He'd smile, then I'd smile and vice versa. He got off the train about three stops before my stop. And as he got up, he didn't leave his number, but he did give me a true smile.
              As I watched him walk across the platform, I grinned through the window at him, and he grinned back at me. Right at that moment, I was content with the fact that we were strangers and may never see each other again. But a true smile from a stranger is better than a fake smile from someone you thought was a friend.

Reevaluating life, love and relationships

When something or someone stops making you happy for a prolonged period of time, it may be time to re-evaluate that thing or person. Sometimes we don't want to reevaluate, even if we need to, like right now. But other times, reevaluating comes as an eye opener, whether it's to keep or let go.
         Last night I had a dinner with a new friend, who I think will become a very dear friend of mine. We will call her Sailoress. (I made that up because there isn't a female version for sailor.) Sailoress and I chatted for hours about life, love and relationships. We discussed our hardships and happy times, but we also discussed this idea of reevaluating.
        She made a very good point about the positive side of reevaluating - if you don't reevaluate, you may take for granted what you have. I love this idea! I love the fact that reevaluating can be more than deciding to keep or let go of someone. Reevaluating can be a reflection on the depth of a relationship and why you value it. Reevaluating can be a reminder to be grateful for what you do have.
         I hadn't thought about it that way. Sometimes we need that little refresher though to realize who we truly care about and to realize who has those important qualities that you look for in a friendship or relationship. Reevaluate away!

Letter writing

I'm not quite sure where I read it, but I think that it was in Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. This is one of my favorite books, and one of the books that I have actually re-read multiple times.
       Anyways, in the book, he mentions how some of our great men in history would write angry letters in order to feel better, however it would backfire when they mailed the letters. Eventually though, some of the leaders learned that it was better to write them, but not send them.
        Last night, before watching my favorite trash TV shows, I wrote an angry letter. I said all of the things I needed to say, and do you want to know what? I feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, I'm still sad, but I know that I can now start to let go of that anger to move forward.
         My suggestion? Write a letter. I do this often. You don't have to hand write, you don't even have to save it. But if you're having frustrations, doubts, anger, hurt, and you need to vent, write a letter. I know it helps me, so it might help you too.

Placing the blame

Humans are not perfect. Humans are perfect with their imperfections. When it comes time to point the finger, they point it at the other. In reality, that finger should be turned back around and pointed at themselves. I can find fault. I can place blame. I can complain. I can judge. Notice all of these I statements. In the end, the fault is no one else's but my own.
            I let this happen. I let this hurt come upon me. I let years of highs and lows happen. I did this. I allowed it. And now, I am walking away. I am letting go. I am accepting fault. I may be angry at the other, but in the end, it's me.
            For me, the forgiving is the easy part. I can forgive the other, and not forget. But it's the right now, when I'm still angry, until I'm ready to accept that it's in the past, that I struggle with. It's right now that I have difficulty remembering the I statements because I want to blame the other. I want to place the blame somewhere else. But I know better, so I won't.
           I just need to remember that I need time. If I cave too quickly, I'll blur out why I'm walking away. I won't do this cycle over and over. So I place the blame on me. I knew better. I know him better, and I expected too much. I'm going to own this blame. This blame is on me.

Rarely simple

Today, while chatting with a new friend of mine, and trying to figure out the best way to formulate my down mood, he said something very wise to me.

Important things rarely are simple.

It was like someone bonked me on the head, and I had an ah-ha moment! Letting go is not easy, especially when this person has held such a prevalent place in your life, and heart, for several years. Then I realized that I'm not practicing what I preach.
           I don't know if I wrote it, or if I just commented to my new blogger friend, but I need to remember that it's okay to feel sad and bummed. The decision that I have made is not simple and very important.
           So I'm going to allow myself to have my moments of sadness and hurt. My major concern is that my new, quotable friend may fill in that void too quickly. In the past, I would find myself jumping from relationship to relationship, best friendship to best friendship. Now, someone has come into my life who I could see being a new male best friend, but I'm being cautious.
          This decision of mine to let go of Safety Pin is causing me pain and grief. I need time to grieve this loss. I will have to figure out boundaries of letting this new friend into my life, while still allowing myself to feel the loss of someone I called a best friend for so long.

More Time

I have been listening to this band, Needtobreathe, because not only is the music good, but the lyrics really move me. The song that originally got me hooked on them is called "More Time." I discovered this song on the P.S. I Love You soundtrack, and I finally think that some of the lyrics in this song really relate to my life.
        Instead of babbling away, I thought I'd share some of the lyrics to the song.

I hoped that you could understand

That this is not what I had planned

Please don't worry now 

It will turn around

'Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say what's on your mind

'Cause I can't figure out just what's inside

It's time

Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You - Matthew 7:12


On Friday night, reality took hold. I took my rose colored glasses off and finally allowed myself to see the world as I should, even though that's not how I wanted. No matter whether it's your mom, your best friend, a boyfriend, or an acquaintance, I am reminded of the above saying by Matthew. I try act on this no matter what is going on in my life.
          And yet, where does doing unto myself come in? I've been a pleaser, a giver, and a fixer for the majority of my life. I put others before me for a long time, and sometimes I still do, but I've improved. I realized that here I was, holding out hope that something would change. I hoped that I would start to get treated the way I deserved. I would start to receive as much as I give in this friendship.
           The history, the complications, the hurt, the love, but it was the stringing along that was the last straw. It's hard when other people see it, know it, feel it, but it's not until you're ready to accept it that you hear it. Well, I heard it. Now I feel it, and it sucks.
           I will continue to do unto others as I would have them do unto me, however four years are too many years to give and give and give, but still be mistreated. It's time to let go.

Take me out to the ball game

I wasn't always a baseball fan. I used to think it was boring and too slow. I grew up watching ice hockey. My dad had played and had been bringing my sister and I to New York Rangers games since we were little. Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum?
         But I really do love sports; to play, to watch, to learn, to teach. As I got older, around college-aged, I start to develop an enjoyment in viewing baseball games. So I started to follow, and now here I am, proud to say I am a New York Yankees fan.
         Tonight, I am off to watch the Yanks play Tampa Bay with Safety Pin. I am beyond excited! He took me to a game for my birthday, so I had to take him for his. We had the most fabulous afternoon drinking, eating, cheering and loving. I am so grateful to have such a caring and fun person as a best guy friend in my life. I only hope that other people have people in their life who are as great as Safety Pin.

Men, oh men.

Yesterday, one of my precious magazines arrived: Harper's Bazaar. Cameron Diaz looked stunning on the cover, and there are some fabulous new fashion trends for fall, but those are not the things that stood out as I skimmed through the magazine.

It's not the men in my life that count. It's the life in my men. -Mae West


How simple. How perfect. How important. I love this quote, but I find some fault in it. As I reflect on the men currently in my life, whether they are family, friends, interests, or acquaintances, I notice that it's the life in the men that make them men in my life. It's those qualities that give them a presence in my life. 
          When I think of the most important men in my life, two of which include my father and grandpa, I realize that the life, spirit, and strength are the qualities that I admire the most. It's always important to differentiate the men from the boys (a lot of my male friends still act as boys), so I realize that the person behind the fact that he's a male is what counts. I thank Mae West for this quote and the meaning I found behind it. 

Lean Pocket, not true love

I'm kind of surprised at myself. You'd think by now that my love affair with food would have brought on blog posts, but the last time I posted about anything pertaining to food was with my baked ziti and meal for one.
       Today is day number two of eating a Lean Pocket for lunch. I got lazy, so I decided to bring these instead of making a healthy sandwich or wrap. Let me start off by saying that this is good, but I could do better. I'm trying to make it feel more gourmet by eating it with a fork and knife, but come on Fool!
       George Bernard said, "there is no sincerer love than the love of food." He's right. I love food. I really love candy and dessert though. And I love trying, and re-trying, foods.
       For example, I do not like the taste of truffle oil, but I keep trying it with the hopes that I will develop a liking for it. When I think about it, I'd rather eat a Lean Pocket.
        I love food, which is something kind of new for me to admit because I used to fight with food. Now, I embrace it. It may not be true love for a Lean Pocket, but there is a true love for the brownies that a co-worker brought into the office yesterday that are filled with deliciousness.

A vacation from life.

I woke up this morning thinking about how today is a new day, but as the morning progressed, I thought, how about a vacation from life? Wouldn't that be a fabulous concept? Just to be able to press pause on everything going on in your world? Pause all the things you love, hate, struggle with, miss, need, and want.
          Instead, I won't press pause. I'll keep going, but I want to keep going because I get to. I'm reading yet another book, which has opened my eyes in ways that I didn't think would be possible for me again. The book is called God Never Blinks, written by Regina Brett.
          In one of her chapters, Brett writes about "get to." Before fully reading the chapter, my immediate thought was, get to where? For such a long period of time, I would dwell on the past or think about speeding ahead. I thought get to meant get to where you're going.
         But that's not what she was talking about. Get to is a variation on the grateful game. Instead of saying I am grateful for my coffee, I would say I get to drink my coffee. Or I am grateful that I'm physically healthy enough to take spin classes, instead I get to take spin class because I'm physically healthy.
           Today, I get to work at a job I love. I get to have dinner with a good friend after work. I get to enjoy an iced Starbucks coffee. I get to write. I get to enjoy being alive. I get to love.

A special kind of love

The love shared between best friends is a different kind of love. A genuine kind of love. A kind of love where when she hurts, I hurt. When she's happy, I'm happy. And when she needs me, or I need her, we support each other. I'm lucky to have more than one best friend, but today, I want to talk about one in particular.
     It does not take much for us to show our appreciation. Shananny and I have had our fair shares of ups and downs. But we're both human, and I would be extremely concerned if we never had a fight in our lengthy friendship.
     Right now, we're all going through a big life change. We've graduated from college and are now a part of the working world. I keep repeating to myself, "I am not alone in this." And yet, sometimes it feels that way.
      Because of the closeness between Shananny and I, there are no secrets. There is no shame in crying, laughing, or going the extra five minutes to remind each other that we miss one another and love each other. That short text or email helps us maintain this strong friendship. But it also helps us keep and enjoy that special, best friend kind of love.

Going back on my word

I began writing a blog post today, but half way through it, I realized that I wasn't doing what I said I would not do anymore. Recently, I had written that I would no longer be writing about my personal love life, and what was this blog post about? My personal love life. 

         It wasn't anything negative, demeaning, or rude, but it did pertain to my own life and another's. Part of the reason that I decided to stop writing about my love life was out of respect for the other person and to keep things private that should be kept private. 

         But in realizing that I had been going back on my word, I noticed another reason why I should no longer be writing about my love life. Not writing forces me to deal with the problem or situation directly instead of venting about it here. Because this whole not writing about my personal life is new to me, I am struggling with it. 

          I want to share about what's going on in my real world on my blog world, but I am not going to. And with that, I'm ending this post.

Almost fearless

Have you experienced those moments when you're just so happy that you're expect something bad to happen? It's that thought where you think, well something bad has to happen because life is just too good. I used to have those moments all the time, but then, for the past two years, I have not felt genuinely happy, until now.
          So as I ran a couple miles this morning before work, I had a moment where I almost had this thought, but it was a different variation. I had one of those amazing weekends this past weekend, and I've realized that this is the first time that I have been happy since before my lost love passed away when we were still in love.
           But this time, I am a different and better kind of happy. In the past, I would feel like I needed a guy to complete that happy and whole feeling in my life. Now, I do not need to be with someone, or even talking to someone, to have that sitting on a cloud feeling.
           Where does that worried feeling that something bad is going to happen come in? It doesn't exactly. This time instead of having that looming feeling that I'm so happy that I expect something bad to happen, I have this slight worry about bringing a guy into my life.
            I'm in such a good place being truly single and not dating anyone at all that I do not want to ruin that by bringing someone in. I want to stay true to my "no dating" mantra because I am happy without a guy in my life. For now, I am just going to be building friendships. That's the plan at least.

P.S. I got my hair cut on Saturday. It's the shortest it has been since elementary school.

Belief makes things real

I believe in the Universe. I believe that the world works in strange, mysterious and magical ways. And I truly believe that sometimes things happen, whether they're good or bad, that align you with another person just at the right moment giving you exactly what you need and deserve.
        For some reason, I have crossed paths with another blogger who happens to be very similar to me. I stumbled upon her blog one day, maybe a couple of weeks ago, and have not stopped reading since. I could relate to her pain. I could relate to her genuine curiosity. And I could relate to her love of love, or as she puts it, anything having to do with her heart.
        This only confirms my belief in the Universe working to bring people together whether it's on a train, at work, or through the Internet. After yesterday's post about the simple things that make me happy, she commented on how she also loved those simple things. Coincidence? I think not.
         I wonder whether we would be friends in real life, or if we would just pass each other by. But something in the Universe sent out a signal saying that we should become friends, even if it is only through the Internet. For this, I am grateful, and I love my belief in the Universe.

Simply happy

Last night, I was talking with a new friend about the simple things that make me happy (and I love!). This stemmed from discussing my love of the color pink and purchasing two pairs of headphones, in pink! Then I realized how small and simple things can make me genuinely happy. This morning, I thought I'd share a few of the things that make me truly happy and I love.

• The color pink - I'm currently wearing a pink sweater, pink ring, drinking from a pink water bottle
• My brand new Magic Mouse at work 
• Strong, black coffee
• Candy - especially Sour Patch Kids, Heath Bar, Peanut Butter M&Ms, and Sweedish Fish
• The charm bracelet the family I babysit for gave me as a graduation gift - it's personalized to remind me how much they love me, especially because I dig for worms with them
• When Winston (my dog) greets me when I come home
• Diet Coke, in the can, ice cold, with a straw -- my guilty pleasure
• When people say thank you
• Sharing a glass of good wine with my Dad
• Spin class, even if I have to get up at 5:45AM
• Watching The Bachelorette with my Mom and laughing until we're in tears
• Baking cookies
• Giving lots of thoughtful gifts
• Sitting on the floor in CVS in the card section reading the cards to send that say I love you or I miss you

What are the simple things that make you happy? Or that you love? Please share. Have a happy Thursday!

Sisterly love, brought me to tears

"Don't be mad, but I started a blog." Those were the words that were sent to me by my sister. A pang went through my heart as waves of guilt overtook my body. Why my baby sister fears me is all my fault, and only I can mend that. After explaining that I wasn't mad, she emailed me the link.
             It wasn't until the end of a very busy work day that I could read her newly started blog. As I read, tears slid down my cheeks. They were mostly tears of happiness, but some sadness too.
            The love and admiration she has for me makes me so happy, but then the sadness came. She called us silent best friends, and that is what we are, for now. We are growing together, but my life experience and hardships have left me with some maturity beyond my parents's age creating a huge gap between her and I.
            I am working towards being the complete role model that she claims I am. The important piece is that she knows I love her with all my heart, and that is all I have to say about that.

Closing a door

The original points to my blogging were to start writing more consistently for myself, but also to have a public diary about my love life. I have decided to close that door.
       I will continue to write here on a variety of topics relating to love, but I am choosing not to include who I'm dating (or not dating) because it's time to keep growing up.
       As much as I enjoy choosing a nickname for someone or openly venting, I would rather someone's company. Maybe I will meet someone (or already have) who doesn't mind my blogging about our relationship, but when I put myself in the shoes of the guys that I write about,  I wonder how much I would really enjoy being THE or Bear or Mr. Pop.
       So I'm closing this door on my blog, but it will, in turn, open another. It always does. Don't worry this Fool for Love is not going anywhere, I'm just keeping my love life more private now. To clarify, this is my decision and not per request of another.

The name: Fool for Love

I go back and forth about what I think of the name that I've titled this blog. Sometimes I like that I'm calling myself "Fool for Love," but then there are other moments when I think that it sends out a negative connotation. I can be a fool for love, which makes it appropriate, but some of this name was inspired by a song by Stefy.
         Stefy sings a song called "Fool for Love," which I discovered on the John Tucker Must Die Soundtrack. Today, I'm in an especially good mood because it's Friday, but I thought I'd share some lyrics to the song that helped to bring about my blog name. Enjoy!

Yeah I'm a fool for love 
'Cause I just can't give you up 
I'm a fool for love 
Wish I could stop, wish I could stop 
I'm a fool for love 
'Cause I just can't get enough 
I'm a fool for love

Hesitant to take a compliment

What a fool I can be. You'd think by the age of 22 I would know how to accept a simple compliment, but I'm realizing I don't know how to do it.
         Why is it that I love to feel good? Or why is that I love the feeling of being loved, but don't know how to accept a compliment? Fool, just say thank you.
          I have not been good about accepting compliments. I usually counter with an excuse or an explanation of what I am being complimented on instead of saying those two powerful words.
          Thank you. See, that wasn't so hard. But maybe writing it, saying it to others for doing something nice or helpful is easier. I just can't seem to utter those words when it comes to my appearance or something I have produced.
           For example, yesterday, a co-worker complimented on my outfit: "you always look so cute." Then this fool responded, "I'm freezing." Why couldn't I say thank you? This isn't the first instance either.
           Or what about the times when I finish a project at work and I'm told that I've done a good job? Do I say thank you? Not usually.
           I think that the reason I can't fully love another yet is because I don't fully love myself. And part of loving myself would include accepting compliments from others. By accepting compliments, and saying thank you, I would be helping my self learn to love me.
           Next time I am given a compliment, I will say thank you because saying thank you will help me to accept a positive part of who I am.

Love and the brain

"When it comes to love, the brain is so deeply patterned to remember, to feel, to hold..." -Helen Fisher, as quoted in It's My Pleasure

This makes sense to me. This is why I want to fall in love again. It's all because my brain knows what being in love feels like. My brain remembers it and holds it. There's a science behind this strong emotion. There's a scientific reason for why I seek it.
         And yet as I plug through this fabulous book, some of the writing resonates with me. How can I fall in love with someone if I don't fully love myself?
          I have been told that I am strong because of what I have been through at such a young age. I am told that I am brave. I am told that I am intelligent. I am told that I am beautiful. I am told that I am fun and funny. I am told that I am loving. And these are just a few things. I even have evidence to prove each of these things. But do I believe these characteristic traits are me? Sometimes.
          I want to believe each of these pieces, always. I will believe these always. It's not so high of an expectation to know that someday soon, I will wake up saying "I am strong, brave, intelligent, beautiful, loving, fun and funny." But to be realistic, I must know that I don't have to feel fabulous every day because I am human; I just have to believe in myself.
           So this will be a goal. I want to look in the mirror and be able to love me, all of me, for exactly who I am and who I am growing and evolving to be. Once that happens, my heart will be open to truly love another.

Guilt, not my pleasure

Recently, my mind and body has been taken over by Guilt. Guilt in every shape and size! It has appeared when I forget to return a call and lingers on parts of my past. Some days Guilt feels like a ghost who will not stop following me around.
          Some of these little things that I am feeling guilty about I should not let over power me, but other things hold a deeper place in my soul. Those things will take time for me to push Guilt from my life. And I know that I cannot fully open myself up to love and relationships if I do not, in some ways, conquer this feeling.
           In my quest to resolve this strong, negative emotion, I have been researching. I looked up the definition of guilt. Then I turned to Amazon.com to see what people were reading to help themselves. (Yes, I am a huge advocate for self-help books!) I made a list of a few books and checked them out of the library.
           The first book I opened, I haven't been able to put down. It's called It's My Pleasure: A Revolutionary Plan to Free Yourself From Guilt and Create the Life You Want by Maria Rodale and Maya Rodale. I have to be honest, I think this book has begun to open my eyes. It's reminding me that it's okay to take time for me and to do something that I love and makes me happy (and not feel guilty).
            I love to write. For some time, I had felt guilt for blogging, but I am teaching myself to let go of that guilty feeling because writing on here is something that makes me happy. This is something that I do for me. "It's my pleasure."

Curiouser and curiouser

As I read and re-read the comment from S, my mind reeled. And all I kept repeating in my head was "curiouser and curiouser," which is a heavily used line by Alice in the film Alice in Wonderland. Although, I do prefer the older animated version to the newer one.
        Sorry my mind just wandered. S has appeared, and now I am extremely curious about who this person could be. S revealed some clues about who she is:

1. She is a she! Or as she put it, I am a girl.
2. She and I went to high school together and is my age.
3. She and I are not Facebook friends.
4. She found my blog on AIM, which I rarely go on anymore.
5. We had classes together in high school.

          This is like a game! (Have I mentioned I'm a child at heart?) I'm intrigued and fascinated by who this person could be. At least S gave me clues, but I'm still left wondering who she might be. Unfortunately, my graduating class had over 600 students, even though I did not have class with all them.
          I am racking my brain for who you might be S, and I look forward to finding out!
          

Weak in the knees? Run away.

Have you ever met someone who made you go weak in the knees? It's almost as if your knees turned into jell-o or mush. Your heart beats faster and faster. And it's as if some power has taken hold of you, and you just can't resist him. I'm guilty of having this experience, too many times to count.
              I'm not sure if I've still learned my lesson with this feeling, or if there is even a lesson to be learned, but I think that the advice a dear friend gave me once is good advice.

"If he makes you weak in the knees, start running in the opposite direction."

              I don't know if you've ever tapped into your intuition or "gut feeling," but if you have, I would recommend listening to it when it comes to the weak in the knees feeling. As I perused Facebook during my lunch break, I found that one of my former interests most definitely gave me that weak in the knees feeling. Except when we were first getting to know each other, I was wary of him, but I did not run away.
              I definitely wouldn't change a thing of my past, including getting involved with him. I just wonder if some of the heart ache I felt with him could have been prevented if I hadn't gotten involved.
              It's just another lesson. Whether it's learned or not, it's still something to note. Maybe the next guy I meet that gives me that feeling, I will run in the other direction, but who knows. I guess I have to meet someone new first.

Who are you, S?

I love that you can search, blog, and learn on the Internet, but I get frustrated that a conversation can begin without knowing anything about the person who you've begun talking with.
           For example, I wanted to engage my readers and began asking open-ended questions. The great part is that I get responses, however, the majority of the responses have been marked "anonymous." Don't think that I'm attacking any of you "anonymous" people, but because you have all made very good points, I'm intrigued about the person that lies behind the response.
           I am a genuinely curious person. I ask questions because it's in my nature. It matters not the subject because I truly want to learn. That is something that I love about me and find to be important in building a relationship. Without some curiosity, it's difficult to build and maintain a strong relationship.
           When one of my responders signed his or her response with a simple "-S," a smile appeared on my face. Not only did S's response make me smile because of the content, but because there is a person behind this post!
           Who is S?! Is it a guy? A girl? Young? Old? Do I know him or her? Or is this someone across the country, or even someone in a foreign country?
           At first, I thought about writing about what S commented, but I changed my mind. Now here I am wondering who this S person may be. My curious nature has taken hold, so now I write wondering who you, S, may be.

Do you believe in magic?

Not in a young girl's heart like The Lovin' Spoonful sang, but in general, do you believe? It's not the kind of magic like in Harry Potter either. It's not the kind that you can cast spells on people, but the kind of magic that occurs with love.
          Have you ever cared about someone so much that you felt as though he or she had a place in your heart? A place where only he lived. When he hurts, you hurt. When he's happy, you're happy. And then there's the magic...
           At the end of the day, when he walks you to your car because he's a gentleman, he leans in and the sparks begin to fly. When he kisses you, everything seems to disappear.
          You're no longer leaning up against your car, but wrapped up in this world of you and him. The night chill melts away, and you're caught up in the smells, the tastes, the feel of just the two of us. After what feels like hours, you both pull away. Smiles spread across both of your faces.
           A warm tingling feeling of love envelopes your entire body as you get in your car to drive away. And you feel like you're floating in the clouds.
           The next day when you retell the moment to friends, goosebumps appear across your arms and chills slide down your spine. "It was like magic!" And as you and your girl friends giggle at that happiness, that's when you know it's magic.
           I believe in magic, do you?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

Today's a day of celebration. It's my mom's birthday! As I've grown up, I've learned about all different types of relationships and about the role love plays in them. Love for a father, love for a sister, love for a best friend, love for a boyfriend, love for a pet, love for an aunt, love for a grandmother, and love for a mother.
            I am blessed because I have a complete and loving family. My parents have been happily married for over 25 years. My extended family lives close by, so I have very few memories of birthday celebrations without them present. And I have a younger sister, who I look up to because of her strength. For all of this, I am grateful.
            But today is about my mother. Today is about how grateful I am that I have spent the past 22 years being loved unconditionally by a mom, a role model, and most importantly, a best friend. Even though I had moments where my love for her probably was questioned because I did not show it as much as I should have, I still have always loved her with all of my heart.
            I hope that she's reminded every day of how grateful I am for her constant presence in my life. Her love for myself, my sister, and my dad radiates throughout her and our home. I may be older now, and hopefully wiser, but my love for my mom will always be there. We don't have to say I love you all the time because we feel the love, and that makes me smile.
            Mom, I'm wishing you a happy and wonderful birthday! I love you!

Always and never.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -Wendell Johnson


What do you think? Should we use the words when it comes to love? Or not? Or just one and not the other? I'll tell you what I think when you tell me what I think. The best response will be posted as a solo post!

Noteworthy changes

When I was couch ridden in January due to dislocating my kneecap and severely spraining my left knee, I lost myself in books again. Every so often, I will go through phases where I read a new book every few days. Because I couldn't stand watching movies for 12 hours straight, I buried my nose in books.
            One book that I picked up was Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. There had been a lot of hype around the book causing me to lose interest in reading it, but because I needed a new book, I opened it up and began. As soon as I began, I couldn't put it down. I related to her pain and suffering. I loved her sense of humor, and I admired her strong ability to write. The following quote struck a chord with me.

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."

I relate to this quote in several ways. Mostly because I tend to build someone up in my mind, and then at the slightest failure of my character, he causes me to crash. What I expected of him was not who he is. So then, I would think that maybe he will change.
            We can not expect someone to change their ways for us, ever. Change must come from within himself, or more importantly within myself. It's taken me a long time to realize that no matter how hard I want, plead, or mindfully will a person to change, they won't change unless they want to. This is the same as how I won't change for anyone but myself. I used to be someone who would mold to fit what the other person thought I was or should be, but that is not longer the case.
             I've learned to accept myself for who I am. I've also learned to accept people for who they are, even though I may not want to. Whoever I end up with, I want the character of him in my mind to be the same as who he actually is. I don't want him to be playing the role I created in my mind, but for him to play the role that he wants to and is meant to play.
             Maybe this concept seems far fetched, or maybe it seems simple to you, but it took a long time for me to understand that he is going to be him. I can love him as he is, if that's the person that loves me and makes me happy and I make him happy too. Or I can leave him. It's the leaving part that I think we struggle with the most.

Calling all readers to answer another question

Last time I asked a question, I received a few great responses, all of which I appreciate. As the end of the day nears, I am interested to find out what people think about this question. (I'm in an especially pleasant mood this afternoon.)
            My mind has wandered to the world of romance. I think back to my favorite cards that I have received, or bouquets of flowers, or simply watching the sunset on a bench snuggled up against that special someone. Below, you'll find my latest question. I look forward to reading your responses, and happy Friday to you all!

Question 2: What's the most romantic gesture or experience you've ever had?

Loved and lost

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

I appreciate that I've been in love. And no one can ever take that experience away from me. But this is one of those sayings that is open-ended. What about the people who have loved, lost, appreciate it, and want to find love again?

             Is it an option to be grateful and simply live without love? Yes, but I want another option -- to be grateful and fall in love again. I just wonder about the time in between: the waiting, the yearning, and the loneliness.

             Eventually those strong emotions subside and other activities, people, and things begin to fill that void. It's just those moments when you're reminded of that feeling of being in love. Walking down the street, I'll see people holding hands and know that they are truly in love. I smile. 

             For a long time, I encased my heart with a bitterness so strong for other happy couples. My mindset was driven by, why do they get to be happy and in love and I don't? It took quite some time for me to dismiss this, but once I did, I learned to appreciate the amount of love in this world, no matter where I saw it or felt it, or what caused that love. 
              Like Dean Martin sang, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore." It shouldn't matter if you've loved and lost. If you believe in love again, then it will come. 

The Grateful Game

About a year and a half ago, I read The Secret. A lot of people are skeptical about this, or don't believe in it, but I do. I am a firm and strong believer in the concepts that the book portrays. When I was working on fully grasping the concept of being grateful, my mom and I started to play "The Grateful Game."
           We would usually play this in moments of frustration, anger, sadness, or when we were feeling the need to talk poorly about another person. Because sending out bad energy will bring bad energy back, this game worked perfectly to emit good energy instead. I even taught Pitt this game!
           To play, you need at least one other person to talk with either in person, over the phone, online, or even through texting. One person starts by stating something they are grateful for and the other person follows. For example, "I am grateful for...(fill in the blank)!"
           You go back and forth like this at least three times. By the end, you should feel better, but you must feel the feeling of gratitude as you play the game.
           It may seem silly, but I believe it works. So when I have moments with friends, family, interests, or strangers, playing "The Grateful Game" releases my tension when I can't go for a run or I don't want to vent. Being grateful and appreciative is just one of the simple ways I know how to feel love.

Adaptation

As I sat in one of my journalism classes that I took my senior year of college, we watched the movie Adaptation. The passion that drives the plot does not all stem from the same topics. But the important piece is that passion does exist.
             I wanted to quote from one of the ending scenes in the movie because I often re-read this quote when I'm feeling down about a past love or defeated. The two characters having the conversation are brothers, and they are discussing a girl that one of the brothers loved in high school. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do.

Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want. 
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic. 
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

Yes and no, no and yes

This post's inspiration comes from a comment answering the question about the best love advice you've received. The advice was:


Say yes to the guys you usually say no to, and say no to the guys you usually say yes to.


I had heard this before, but I'm still unsure as to how I feel about it. I know that there are guys who fall into the good category, okay category, and bad category. (I created each of these categories based on the extent of my happiness and how well each person in the relationship treats the other.) 
            I've learned about the type of guy that I should be steering clear from, and yet, I have said yes to the guys that I normally wouldn't, and I've still been hurt. 
           Maybe it narrows down to making sure that all your ducks in a row, not just a few of them. When you put yourself out there, there's always the chance that you may get hurt. It's the lack of trying, or lack of being open, that sets us up for extreme loneliness or unhappiness. 
           I'm just particular, and yet, I will make this a goal of mine. The next person I meet, who I would normally not even think twice about talking to, I will give that person a chance. How about that? You should try it too. Let me know how it goes.

Just be open?

After this morning's post, I received a comment from an anonymous reader. It irked me, but at the same time, it made me realize something about myself. What I look for when I want to be dating someone is both a best friend and a love. But as I look back on all my previous relationships, I notice that none of them had ever started out as just friends, like Anonymous's current situation.

             I appreciate this comment because it's one of those "ah-ha" moments where maybe I need to be more clear in portraying what I mean in my posts. As a writer, I should be conscious of my word choices. 

             A thought that crossed my mind is that maybe I'm not open to building new relationships right now. Again, relationships require a lot of work. I have a pretty solid friend base, even though they are sprawled out across the country. And lately, I have not been my best self in maintaining some of these.

            Yet, I have decided to attend one of my friends's book group. So maybe I am open to forming new relationships, I just didn't realize that my actions are speaking louder than my words. 

“Do everything. Love as much as you can. It may hurt but it helps us grow. Give all you have. You may be poor, but you will be content. Always forgive. Your heart can not afford not to. Teach what you know and learn what you don't. Stay open to all.” -Anonymous

The less you seek love, the sooner you'll find it.

I've touched on this subject before because the last time that I fell in love, I was not looking for love. It was in a moment of least expecting it, and I now look back fondly on how passionately in love I was. So I've decided to stop looking.
            Maybe it's because I want to give to my heart to someone who I know loves me. Or maybe it's because I'm not interested in playing games anymore, especially when it comes to sex and love.
            I don't want to be seeing multiple guys at once. Or have crushes on different people. Or even portray that guys are easily replaceable, even though I don't think I ever did this. So I've stopped seeking.
             I don't know what soon means, whether it's in an hour, in a few days, in a month, or in a year, but I am grateful that I know soon will eventually come.
             When I went out last Friday night with SF, I'm not sure if it was because THE was at the bar, or if it was because I was genuinely uninterested in the overwhelming number of handsome boys that were within arms reach. Even when I was chatting with some of these guys, I was not in the mood to flirt.
             I'm hoping that this was not because of THE's presence, but because I'm trying to put myself into "seeking less" mode.
             Have you ever found yourself feeling this way? If you've ever stopped seeking and then found love, did you consciously stop seeking? Or did it just happen? I'm curious.

Men play at love to get sex. Women play at sex to get love.

After asking the question what's the best advice anyone has given you about love, I received 4 great comments in response. I wanted to share my thoughts today on the first comment.

Men play at love to get sex. Women play at sex to get love.

When I first read this, I felt a pang in my heart because truth hurts. This is a reality. And when I reflect back on a lot of my experiences, I notice that this game of love and sex can be played both ways. 

          I'm struggling with writing this post today. Maybe it's because I don't fully agree with this comment, or maybe it's because I know that you don't always have to be the man to play at love to get sex. In the past, I have found that many young men have played a game of love to get sex. But there have been times when I've seen girls play the game too. 

          Why is it that there has to be any kind of playing at all? Love should not be a game, nor should sex. Love is supposed to be a fulfilling emotion, and sex should be a gratifying and pleasurable experience that is shared. Neither should be abused in a game. And yet, both men and women are guilty of playing these games all the time. Why do you think this is? 

           In the end, it is always one person who decides that they will play however they want to, whether it is for the love or the sex. On a rare occasion, both will choose not to play the game at all, and that's when something magical happens. 

           There's just a flawed logic that stems from insecurity that causes someone to think that if you sleep with him (or her), it means he/she will like you, maybe even love you. In reality, he/she may just be using you for the sex, and nothing else. 

Just be careful, men are hairy

Sorry for not posting the past two days. I went straight from work to Manhattan to go out on the town with Thursday. But as the night went on, Thursday and I decided that she needed a new nickname. So I chose SF, which the meaning will remain between herself and I.
            Anyways, we ventured to this awesome bar called The Frying Pan to meet up with her roommate, friends, and THE. Yes, I hung out with THE. For a change, I do not feel the need to write about him. We have fun together, and I had the pleasure of meeting some of his friends. We late night dined and took a walk around the city with his adorable dog.
             I had a great night and nursed an awful hangover all day yesterday, but I realized something. I'm doing okay. Sometimes I have moments when I rant, complain, or feel I'm not making good choices, but today I realized that it's all okay.
             I'm human. I'm supposed to feel a range of emotions, from ecstatic to peeved to fuming to complacent. I'm not perfect all the time. I make mistakes. I make good decisions too, at least I think so. That's it, that's all I have to say right now.

Calling all readers! (The Question Series)

I'm coming to a point where I'm clearly lacking in the love department, but I think I'm okay with this. A couple of nights ago, I chatted with my mom about how I don't have quite as much to write about in this blog. Her suggestion - write about something else.
               As thoughts ran through my mind, I mulled over this concept. How could I write about something other than love? My blog is called "Fool for Love!" I love writing about love, and I even parted ways with someone because of this blog. (I said I would not mention him anymore, so I'm refraining.)
               Here's where you, my readers, come into play. What do you think I should write about? Yes, I'm a sucker for any topics on love, falling in love, and even broken hearts, but if I don't have any occurrences in my love life, what do you suggest I do?
              I'm needing some inspiration. So I'm going to put together a question series, compile your answers, and continue to write. Here's my first question for you all, and please respond in the comment boxes.

Question 1: What's the best advice anyone has given you about love?

Thank you, and I look forward to reading your comments!

Thank You Anonymous

I'm not sure if you're the same Anonymous as before, but either way, I wanted to say thank you. Your post not only brightened my day, but it also reminded me of a huge factor about looking for love: stop looking, and it will come.
            After this morning's post, I felt down and slightly hopeless, but the comment this afternoon sent a concept blaring through my mind. When my lost love (I still don't have an adequate nickname for him) and I fell in love, I was not looking for anyone, nor was I expecting it. The falling in love just happened. At that time, I was able to discover that I am secure in my own skin. It was with his unknowing help that I learned about myself.
            If you hadn't already noticed, I go back and forth. Yes, being in love is great and one of the most incredible experiences, but on the flip side, being in a relationship requires work. Work that's well worth it, in my book, but it's still work.
            I'm at a place in my life where my focus is around learning about myself outside of a college environment. I'm learning what life is like as a working person, with a salary and a commute. I'm learning about how I transition from living as an independent, college student to an "adult" who moved home to a loving family.
            This type of learning is huge! It is also the type of learning that cannot be fully understood or developed if I were seriously involved with someone. Maybe this is just one of those ah-ha moments, but if I really want to know who I am, I need to do that alone. So far, I think I'm doing alone just fine.

Do I look like I have the plague?

As I rode on the train filled with handsome men in suits, I wondered if I had something on my face. When I got to the office, I hightailed to the bathroom to see if this was the case. Nope, nothing besides a little makeup.
           With all of my insecurities already blaring in my head, I'm curious as to a why a 22-year-old in business casual attire (black fitted skirt, pale pink turtleneck and a long string of pearls) would be left to sit alone?
            If anyone has taken a train on Metro-North, you'll know that the rows of seats closest to the exits can seat either four or five people, but facing each other. When I got on the train this morning, I sat down in the one with four seats. Another handsome man, but not my type, shared the small space with me.
           I took the seat closest to the window, so when he got off the train at the next stop, there were three open seats surrounding me. As males, young and old, filed onto the train, not one took a seat in one of the three remaining seats.
           They would eye the open seats, then their gaze would find me, which immediately caused them to look elsewhere for a seat. One guy, who looked as though he might be in high school, looked at the seat, then chose to stand instead of share the space with me. I know that this was not because I smell because I showered this morning.
           Calling all males out there reading this, could you please explain this to me? I'm baffled and curious about why no one chose to sit with me. Please be honest, or blunt, if that's what it will take to help me understand.

Interest to friend: is it possible?

Yesterday, the topic of being just friends with someone you were never just friends with came up in conversation. Because I'm optimistic about any situation, I had not questioned just being friends with THE as a possibility, or anyone else for that matter.
              Bestest, however, pointed out that some guys do not want to hang out simply as friends, but would rather continue to hook up, or whatever it may be that you were doing before. I guess some guys will always fall into a different category. Friend, crush, hook up* only, or more. Within each of these categories, I find there to be sub-categories.
               For example, I have friends who I'll always have a crush on, but I could never date because they're not right for me. Or I have friends who definitely have crushes on me, but I'm not attracted to them. Or, the worst kind, a great friend, who I want to date, but he doesn't want to date, right now...
               Now what about those people who always want to hook up, but that's it? Then what? Honestly, I think that you can go from hook up to friend. I've done it in the past, but will it work this time?


*Hook up -- a controversial term because there is not universal or agreed definition; for me, I use it in the sense that one is engaging in sexual activity, but not necessarily sexual intercourse

An adjustment

When I don't have a guy that I'm seeing regularly, I find that I don't have as much material to share with you. I debated not even writing today, but that would be only harming myself. Back in the old days (less than a month ago), while I was still an undergraduate, I was constantly meeting new people. It was like a Six Flags for my love life.
                Now, the highlights of my days revolve around the new projects I'm given at work. Yes, this is super exciting, but it does not give me much to write about in a blog based around my love life. This is my adjustment, especially since I had expected to have my evenings filled with romance and fun, but now, I come home exhausted with no one to cuddle with on the couch.
                 Hope lies in my commute though. Too much eye candy and not enough time! It's just too bad that many of the well dressed men exit the train only one stop after I've gotten on. I remain optimistic and look forward to tomorrow's Monday morning commute.

Wants more and more

Marie Howe wrote one of my favorite poems. It's called "What the Living Do." Even though this poem is not about romantic love, the poem captures a concept of love I find important.
         I won't post the poem in it's entirety here, but I will include the part that I repeat to myself quite often:

We want the spring to come and the winter to pass. We want
whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss--we want more and more and then more of it.

But there are moments, walking, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window glass,
say, the window of the corner video store, and I'm gripped by a cherishing so deep
for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I'm speechless:
I am living. I remember you.

The first time that I discovered this poem, only a small piece of the above quotation was in an issue of Real Simple. I forget to appreciate the fact that I can feel the chill of the wind dancing across my face. I forget that I am able to feel that wanting for more and more.
          When I wake up feeling lonely, I should remind myself to be grateful that I am alive. But most of all, I forget that I have the capacity to love. I just haven't found that someone to love quite yet.

Feels like just a fool...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a fool who believes I can fall in love. And maybe I am.
          I capture these moments feeling as thought I'm on top of the world, only to be dragged down where I realize that a top of the world doesn't exist.
          Am I a fool for putting myself out there even when my heart gets smashed on? Am I a fool who wants more than can be given? I refuse to lower my standards, but then where is he?
          Guys, listen up! This is what goes through most single girls' mind that is half-normal. Fact. We put ourselves out on the line only to be disappointed. But then, one of you comes along and decides that we can be the exception. You bring us back up to share in this top of the world view, while holding us close, and just when we're about to fall for you, you let go.
           Lately, I get let go by someone great and hit the bottom, with no one to catch me. That hurts.

Thrown to a wolf

I cried myself to sleep last night. Just when I thought my tears would subside, they began to pour again. I was torn up into, what felt like, a billion little pieces. In reality, I am still whole, but my heart has been cracked.
                I never thought that writing, something that I love so much, would cause me so much pain. I also forgot that someone I trust can still hurt me.
                 I love writing. It is my passion, but when I think about how my own passion can be turned against me, in a way that tears fill my eyes, I question it. Then again, a passion will bring you to the highest highs and the lowest lows.
                  I felt small, helpless, alone and worthless. I did not begin writing this blog in order to feel this way. But if I throw myself to a wolf, I will get ripped to shreds.
                  My intentions in writing this blog were never to assume that guys were easily replaced. For anyone reading this who may think that, I appreciate your opinion, but that was not why I began, nor will I continue, if I do continue, to write.
                  Almost two years ago, I lost the person that I thought I would marry to an undetectable heart condition. We had had one of those fairy tale romances. Our story was just like one from the movies, however it ended tragically. After his passing, I made some choices that many people still do not agree with, but I did what I had to do to get out of bed and keep living.
                   Many months passed, and I decided to try to start dating again. I found a former flame who also had a broken heart. His bitterness came from how much his ex had hurt him, so if we encountered her while we were out, he'd pull away from me. I would give anything to have one of those encounters, if that meant I could see my lost love again.
                    It wasn't until about a year and a half after his passing that I met someone who put a smile on my face all the time and made me feel cared about. When that ended, I cried, but threw myself to the winds again.
                    Then, on Valentine's Day, I met Mr. Pop. I thought it was happening. I thought I had found this wonderful person who craved love as much as I did. I quickly began to trust him and confide in him, but only days after letting my guard down, he ended it. My anger and pain drove me back to writing, but this time, I wrote publicly.
                     Here I am today, scrolling through almost a hundred blog posts wondering why I've given the impression that guys can be easily replaced. The truth is that they can't. No one will ever be able to replace my lost love. I have experienced true love, and I know that fairy tales do exist. That is why I write here. That is what this "Fool" is looking for.

Wrong expectations

Sometimes, it's better to go into something with no expectations. Normally, I'll do that. Or even better, I'll have zero expectations, so then I'll have to be happy or impressed. Unfortunately, this time, I went into something with the wrong expectations. I had thought, and almost assumed, that my expectations would be met, if not better.
              I was wrong. Fortunately, I'm in a great mood. Despite this questioning and disappointment, I will accept being wrong for a change. My usual stubbornness will not take over, and I will not pity and mope because I had wrong expectations.

Goodness, greatness

For someone who started out her morning in tears, Fool is now beaming! Today was my first day of work, and I'm so excited and happy. I'm so grateful that I have a job, but I am also so grateful for my love of learning. This new position will bring me great challenges, and I have a lot to learn, but I look forward to what's a head of me. It's this kind of excitement about a career that makes me excited about life and love.
                On a side note, I got a wonderful message from Pitt last night. As you all know, he and I have become extremely good friends to the point where we can confide in each other about anything. In this fabulous message, he said thank you.
                 Because of something that has been going on in his current life, he wrote me a message showing how much he appreciated me for not deleting him from his life and taking that very difficult step to be just friends. Even though in the beginning of this, I felt tormented and frustrated, I now can say that I am genuinely proud of myself for not being selfish and cutting him off.
                 Friends turn into interests, and interests can turn into friends. There are not many people I would make a decision like this with, but when it comes to Pitt, I'm glad Pitt and Yankee (that's me!) have gotten so close!

Empty and alone

I woke up this morning with the realization that today would be the last day I could sleep in late until the weekend. I went back to sleep in hopes that this anxiety, fear and loneliness would subside. It didn't.
          In reality, I am no where near alone. I have both my parents and loving sister living with me. I have some great friends and a guy that I am interested in. So what is it that I'm missing? What do I not want to admit?
          I do not like change, nor do I handle it well sometimes. I'm afraid to speak because I might snap. I feel as tightly strung as one of the toy cars that I had when I was little. One of the ones where you pull it backwards and when you release it, it goes flying across the floor.
          Tomorrow is my first day officially in the real world. I have a fabulous job that I'm beyond excited for, but to be honest, I'm really nervous and scared. Tomorrow, I will be an employed college graduate. Summer won't be the same type of summer anymore.
          I should be grateful that I graduated college with a job, but these emotions have overcome me today because I'm about to experience a big change. And with my best friends scattered across the country, I find that my weekends here might not be filled with adventures of Shananny nor Bestest.
          For the time being, I must sit with this emptiness and hope that as the day progresses, I will be able to calm my nerves.

A change of mind

Earlier today, I posted saying that I don't search for the kind of love that I have with girl friends in a boy, but I take that back. I do want to have someone in my life that I can be both my best friend and boyfriend. I do want to find that kind of uninhibited love where we can have screaming fights, but then get over them and still be happy.
             I know that I have changed my mind before, but that is only because I'm human. And just like I sometimes say one thing and do another, it doesn't mean that I don't care. I'm just testing the waters.
             I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, but with that being said, I know I don't always practice what I preach. In this instance though, if I say that I want a guy to be my best friend and more than that, I'll prove that with my actions.
              I've also decided to keep a side journal to this blog because as much as I want to be completely open about my love life, there are still some things that should be left unsaid.

But I do appreciate girl time

Yesterday, I spent the entire day with a boy, specifically Safety Pin. He had bought me tickets to a Yankee game for my birthday, so we made the trek together to watch the Yankees lose, while getting sunburned and laughing a lot. He's a great person to have in my life, and throughout the game I continually said thank you for doing this for me.
             After what seemed like the longest day in the world, I headed over to Shananny's house to hang out with just the girls. I haven't laughed that hard or that much in a long time. All of our conversation didn't focus around boys, but around found college memories that would leave me in tears from laughing so hard.
             I envy Shananny because she had some of the college experience that I would have hoped for. A solid group of girl friends that stuck together through the easy and hard times. I won't say that I didn't love college, and Safety Pin is one of the reminders that I did build lifelong friendships with both guys and girls, I just still hope to find what Shananny has.
             Girl love is much different than falling in love with a guy. True girl love is an example of having a screaming fight and five minutes later being best friends again. Or not speaking for what seems like years then picking up where you left off without a question. That love is the kind a guy can give you, but I don't go searching for it. I may not have a solid group of girl friends that I can laugh with, but I do have several best girl friends, that I will always be able to reach to no matter what.

Wasted affection?

Talk not of wasted affections; affection is never wasted.

That is written in blue on a slip of paper that came from inside one of the fortune cookies I ate with THE. This morning, while I lay in bed thinking about how I show my affection, I realized I have made some wonderfully romantic gestures, and I felt gloomy.
             Usually, I bake to show my appreciation or care for another. Whether it's for one of my parents, my sister, a friend, or the guy I'm seeing, it would be shocking if I didn't cook or bake at least once for them. Sometimes, like this morning, I find myself in a mood telling myself: you're a fool, why would you do such a thing?
             I look back and realize that every time I have done something, my heart ends up looking like someone did jumping jacks on it. But I shouldn't think about that ending because I like showing my affection through gifts, baking and hugs. So today, I will push aside those thoughts and think about my affections that are most definitely not wasted.