Who knew?

So this is what it's like to be a mature adult, or not adult, mature human being. Yesterday, I wrote a nice email to Pitt, kind of explaining myself in the sense that my blog is my journal, where I write out my feelings. He said thank you for the email, then helped me do some work because he's great with graphics/computers. Then I spent the next several hours hanging out with him and his roommates.
          As the time neared about one in the morning, I was tired and asked Pitt to drive me home. He did. I thanked him for the help with my work and the ride, hopped out of the car, and came home. No tears. No anger. A little bit wishing there was more, but then think Thursday, and I'm brought back to earth.
         I guess I'm actually doing something that many people find impossible. I'm being his friend. This is what it's like to be around someone you have feelings for. You just kind of put them away, and pretend not to think about them until you go home.
         I weigh my options: completely protect myself OR have lots of fun... I'm going to go with fun. If I had chosen the protect myself, I would have been moping on the couch last night. But instead, I laughed all night with a bunch of guys and played baseball in a medium-sized kitchen with a paper towel roll and wiffle ball.

For me, that's all I need.

Thank you, Member.

"You know what Amanda, the best thing to think about is how your life is going to be so different in a month. You'll be in a different environment with so many different types of people, no matter where you end up. And people who were out of your life might come back in. And maybe there's someone you didn't give the fairest shake that you want to start talking to again.
         I am like you. I love being in love with someone. I love working at a relationship. But that's rare. A lot of people just want to have fun, and if they think they can have fun, and if they think they can have fun with other people, they choose to be with them. I don't subscribe to that.
          To me, love's about more than just fun and sex. It's about waking up next to someone, and saying 'I've got reservations about so many things, but not about you.' Like, just knowing that they're your best friend in the world. But it's really hard for two to wind up in the same place and have the same feelings." -Member (let me know if you want your real name here.)

It's gonna be a bright sunshine day!

Except it's raining, but that's not how I feel. For starters, Sister just gave me the world's largest compliment by saying "I wish I were more like you and laid back." Thank you for that, because right now I'm feeling like a crazy nutso.
          Anywho, yesterday VP and I were chatting, and once again I got some very wise words, "It's what comes with the territory. He's a boy, and you're putting yourself out there, so it's going to hurt."
        That's kind of a common sense statement, but sometimes we need to hear it to understand it, ya know? I forget how that feeling doesn't seem to go away for a while, but then I woke up this morning, I felt refreshed. New day, new things, new boy? You never know what lies ahead.        
          But I don't think that it's just that. I learned from a very young age that you're only allotted a certain period of time before you put your feelings away, hide them, or stuff them in a closet. It's not the healthiest way of dealing with things, but it's what I know, and it works. So somewhere between the time I went to bed and the time I woke, those feelings were swept away, and the happy, cheery Fool is back!

Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity.

Post number three. Today was a rollercoaster. I woke up wanting to cry, then I became level headed, chatted with Pitt, realized I want to give being friends a shot, then admitted to Sassy that it's not what I want, but I'm willing to try. Then I found out our family friend's dog passed away, then hung out with Pitt and company, and now I'm back to wanting to cry.
           Don't get me wrong here. It's great hanging out with him and his friends while we're together, laughing about nothing, being goofy and weird. But then the end of the night comes, and instead of staying over (yes, this is what college students do, they have sleepovers with boys), I go home.
          And it's not even that I'm going home because I have to get up early, so he'd drive me home and give me a kiss goodnight. Friends don't do that. So do you know what I got? A handshake. One of those bro-ed out ones. I get it! We're just friends!
          It's just that this isn't what I want, but there's nothing I can do, so I'm becoming one of those "stuffers of tears" because that's what you do. You take one for the team, because I guess this whole group is like a team. And now, when I'm feeling my worst, and sharing with you all, I don't want him knowing that I am. I just wish he had never found my blog. And that Thursday didn't exist, if I could have more than one wish.

This one's because I'm grateful.

So I'm posting twice today, but not because of all this internal conflict about love and loss and what the right thing to do is versus what will make me happy versus what will make me hurt the least. I'm sitting here thinking, and working on a paper, when I want to hit myself! I don't though, even though that would be a pretty funny image...
          I want to say thank you. Thank you to all the wonderful people in my life that are my supporters. When I'm upset, or in need, sometimes I forget who's really there for me that matters. And for this, I say thank you with all my heart.
          Thank you to Bestest for coming over as soon as Pitt left, and laying in bed with me all day while I felt like crap and cried.
          Thank you to my roommates who put up with all my upbeat crap, and then seeing me at my worst moments.
          Thank you to everyone who helped me put my life back together a year and a half ago, especially Regis, VP, Member, Bo Bia, LittleG, 2nd Floor and Therapist. I don't think that I've thanked you enough!
          Thank you to my sister, for putting up with my difficulties, and having to watch me grow up far too quickly, as I try to set a better example for you.
           Thank you to my Shananny and Muffy and Irresistible because you have always been there, through the crazyness and beyond, and never failing to call me out.
           Last, but not least, thank you to my parents (yes, they read this too). You are my best friends, and for that I am eternally grateful. I love you!
           But also, thank you to every guy, interest or not, for showing me that there's someone out there for me because with each new guy brings me one step closer to falling in love again.

Oh wouldn't it be nice if...

I woke up with a sinking feeling in my stomach, and this time it wasn't because I had to run to the bathroom to vomit again. Then I check my phone, and find a text from Saucy asking if I was okay, and the icing on the cake: an email from Pitt. I re-read it twice, clicked archive, now what?
          Nothing. I know Pitt will read this and wonder why I didn't say something to him. And I know his roommates read this and will wonder too. But what do you want from me? Would it make the situation better if I lied and said "sure, we can just be friends, and all still hang out, blah, blah, blah"? Maybe I'll just say that anyways, even though I know myself too well, and I won't do that.
          I guess just wiping someone (or in this case, a group of awesome guys) from your life completely makes all the what-ifs disappear more quickly. And man, do I have a lot of what-ifs. I guess I'm still just a fool for thinking that Pitt and I could continue to have fun, keep things light, but reality had to show up at some point...or in this case, on Thursday.

And just like that, he was gone.

I waited until he left my apartment to start crying, not that it makes a difference because he reads this and will know I cried. I'm not usually the dumper, and I'm finding that this position sucks just as much. Pitt and I weren't even dating, technically we weren't even anything. But I like him.
          After drinking too much, getting sick all night, and him staying with me, I tell him I just want to be just friends. Who am I?!? I don't want to be that awful girl who breaks his heart, especially since I like him and wish so much we could be more than just friends. And I have the nerve to tell him that I deserve better... But who's better than someone who makes you laugh, is caring, affectionate, funny, smart, and will go running with you?
          The answer: someone who's not in love with someone else, more specifically his ex. It's taking all my self control not to text or call him, asking him to come back here, and telling him that I don't actually want to just be friends, but I won't.
          I told him that I won't talk to him or hang out with him for a while because it's just my way of dealing with things. It's what I know works to get over someone. Cryng, getting really angry, over-analyzing, and cutting off all communication keeps me sane. I just wish I knew that Pitt was as unhappy about this as I am.

Sometimes a quote is all I need.

As a writer, words contain a magical power that, sometimes, other writers can't even come close to rephrasing. You can sit there and judge me, or think that I'm silly because I liked a quote from a recent Grey's Anatomy episode, but there's someone on that staff who writes these quotes that move people, and to me that, writing/quote may be all I need for today.

"The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level, nobody takes pictures of that. Nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top. The breathtaking moment at the edge of the world, that's what keeps us climbing, and it's worth the pain. That's the crazy part. It's worth anything." -Grey's Anatomy, Episode 17 Push

Who really does?

Yesterday, my friend, and technically a former interest, BBMed me saying hello, and asking if everything is okay because he saw my blog post. I responded it's fine, but I don't know what to do, and he said three wise words: "who really does?"
          I forget how black and white doesn't exist when it comes to your heart. I just want to have fun and be happy, is that so much to ask? Nope. I just like the fact that when it comes to all of this liking and loving nonsense, no one has any clue what the right or wrong thing is to do. All I know is that if I follow my heart, I have been lead to the happiest moments of my life, and why would I want to deny myself of that?
          So I've decided that because all I do is laugh a lot when I'm with Pitt that it's only fair to keep laughing.

P.S. I have been cleared to go running! This is big because I haven't worked out in almost 3 months due to a dislocated kneecap and severely sprained knee. YAY!

Stuck in the mud.

Do you remember when you were a little kid and you played the game stuck in the mud? Well folks, that's how I'm feeling right now. I want to cry, but I know that the only reason for the tears is the lady hormones...
          Last night Pitt interrupted our laughing and making out to have another one of his serious talks. (Yes Pitt, you are the one bringing these up, but I am appreciative of your honesty even if it leads to me writing.) I'm not going to go into detail of the subject matter because some conversations are just meant to be had between you and your interest. But basically, I feel stuck in the mud. It's like my feet are suctioned into this muddy love obsession and happiness mantra, but my body is flailing around trying to get out. Basically, the mud is my heart, and my flailing body is my head.
          So much of me wants to run away, and even though I know that I could get hurt in the end, what's the point of denying myself happiness now? I don't know what could happen in the next 3 minutes, hours, or years, so I'm telling myself to stop being an idiot, ignore the lady hormones, and just keep being happy... Just so you know, saying that and believing that are two very different things.

Simple common courtesy.

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with people? This is an angry post because I am upset that my Bestest (that will be her nickname) is getting the un-cool treatment. Let me ask you all something, whether it's a friend, a parent, a relative, or in this case, a boy, do you expect them to call when they say they're going to call? And if they don't call, don't you expect them to send you a quick text saying they can't call? I certainly do.
          Here's the deal, if you have some decency in you, you'll know that if you say you're going to call, you should call. End of story. This is not a matter of whether or not you're "hanging out" with a guy, but this is a matter of respect for another person.  If Bestest says she is going to call me and then doesn't, I usually get a BBM saying that she can't call for one reason or another. That is an example of being respectful, at least in my book.
Lesson of the day: If you say you're going to call, call. If you can't, text. Simple as that.

That's because he's an idiot.

I spent the morning thinking about what I might write today. Things are really great with Pitt. I forgot how fun getting to know someone new can be, especially when you both get along so well. So I kept thinking, well I'm happy, what am I going to write?
   Then I encountered Mr. Pop today. I was walking to class, chatting away on my phone with my Dad, when I look up to an angry-faced Mr. Pop, waving and saying hello. I smiled and said hey, and just laughed to myself as I continued on.
   I told a roomie about his angry face, and her response: "that's because he's an idiot." The fact of the matter is that I know I deserve the best, and that's not me being cocky, but because I have too much respect for myself to think otherwise. It hurts when someone screws you over, but I'm pretty sure he's kicking himself because he let me go.
   So now I'm making a request. This is cheesy, but every time a guy makes you feel anything less than stellar, repeat the following three times (yes, three), while smiling: I deserve the best!

I'm in love.

....with Milan! I still can't believe that I spent the last 10 days traveling throughout Italy and France, and I think it was an extremely successful first trip to Europe. I fell in love with Milan, and now can't stop dreaming about moving there. Apparently, I know enough Italian to understand it, and to speak enough to get by. One waiter even said my Italian is beautiful.
    Basically, spring break was a whirlwind romance for me...food, language, culture, and kind of making friends. So now you're wondering, Fool, where is the real romance? Where's the tall, dark Italian man that swept you off your feet? Well, there wasn't one. I was so infatuated with the cities (and the FOOD!) that I wasn't looking for guys. Correction: I was looking, but not following through with what I saw. And let me tell you, there are some gorgeous and well dressed men over there.
    Even though I am extremely screwed up with time zones, I got to spend some time with Pitt last night. Yes, I think I like him. (He told me he likes me too, and he missed me a little bit. I didn't admit to missing him, but I definitely think I did.) No, I'm not sure what I'm doing, but yes, I'm happy, and that's all that matters. Stay tuned for more updates from "Yoda*."

*Yoda: my new nickname from my girls who think that I am like the Yoda of texting guys... I think it's funny, but I'm starting to feel the pressures of always being asked for help, and what if I steer someone in the wrong direction?

Je t'aime, mais au revoir pour maintenant.

It's 7:18 AM, and I am getting ready to start my trek from Syracuse, N.Y. to Florence, Italy! Don't be too jealous. For those of you lost in translation, my title means "I like you, but good bye for now," in French. I have not decided if I will be posting from Europe, so don't be too upset if you don't hear from me for another 10 days.
   As of Pitt, I think I have a crush on him. Because I know he's reading this (hi Pitt!), I feel like I should give him a little bit more credit, especially since he is a genuinely good guy. Anyways, last night we discussed how I am conflicting my actions with my words...something that I accused him of doing as well.  I guess I just have to say that as much as my head tells me no, I'm thinking with my heart. This could royally screw me over, or this could not, and I'm thinking that right now, this decision might not!
   For now, I just wish I could get random texts from him while overseas, but luckily I will be readily able to email. I hope everyone enjoys a wonderful spring break, and I can't wait to tell you about my adventures! You know you'll miss your fool for love!

Double wammy.

"I'm going to get really, really hurt, and I don't want to do that." I said that while yelling into the phone to my best friend because I'm angry, and I don't do angry. I never thought that those would be words coming out of my mouth, but they did, and they scare me. She suggested just having fun for the next few months. You know, keeping things light? I just don't know how to do that.
     I don't want to be the girl that walks away because she doesn't want to get hurt because that would make me just like all the other guys that did it to me, but I see only black and white here. Run away, you fool (that's me!).
     Even if ground rules were to be set, and I have no idea what those would consist of, I still see myself getting trampled on, or him, again. And I don't like trampling. Maybe I should just give up on guys, or falling in love. That makes me cringe, but I guess it's an option, and it's always good to weigh all your options, right? I should have given up guys for lent instead of candy.
    Help me. For now, I'm just a very confused fool.

P.S. Pitt found my blog.

Beyond confused and/or done.

And by confused, I mean that I'm a f***ing idiot. You know how writers feel inspired to write? Well right now, at 6:34 AM, I am friggen' inspired. It's kind of unfortunate actually, but only for me.
It's taken me about two hours to get him to leave before I can let myself cry. Yes, I have cried already, but only because I was being honest about my past, and who I am as a person.
   So can I ask you something? And that's anyone out there: why do we do this to ourselves?
   We meet someone, who we think might be great, and then he actually turns out to be as great as he seems, minus one thing: baggage. But not the kind of baggage that you want. Not the kind that tells you that he's had life experience, or that he's looking to move forward (especially when he's forewarning you not to get involved), but the kind that screams "get the f*** away now or else!"
   Remember that red flag tip that I made? Yeah, I should have listened to my own advice...but I didn't. So even though he's extremely attractive, and a great kisser, and someone that you can stay up all night talking to about everything and nothing, I wish I had listened to myself. Unless there is some sort of grand gesture to prove that I'm wrong in this concept (which I doubt I am), done, done, done!
P.S. Putting a great guy in the friend zone isn't the worst thing a girl can do, right?

You are an inspiration with texting for all of us.

Thank you roomie for that compliment. But she's not the only one who knows that I'm good at playing this game because it is a game. Even Pitt thinks I'm good at this whole game. My friends often ask me what to respond to a text from a boy, or how to begin a conversation...
Maybe it's because I'm a writer, or maybe it's because I've been doing this cat and mouse game for so long. So my question is, if I'm the one my friends come to on how to do this, why am I single?
To be honest though, I am really enjoying being single for the first time.  There's something truly wonderful about that free feeling, and getting to know me, and not being the girl that's attached to so-and-so. And I am also often meeting someone new, even if he is just to turn into a good friend... some of my friends say "I can never keep track of all the boys." And I think, so what?

I like that you're whispering.

I'm sick. I have either croup or bronchitis, but I won't know until tomorrow when I go to the doctor. Last night, my girl friends and I went to Pitt's house because he and his roommates were throwing a party. Over the course of the night, my voice progressed from sounding like I was going through puberty straight to sounding like a man... Luckily, that didn't make him run away, but he did appreciate my decision to whisper instead of talk.

I think he might like me a little bit. Here's my reasoning:
1. Attentiveness.  He would bring me a beer if me, or any of my friends, needed one.
2. Effort. He made the time to talk to my friends and me, even though he was one of the hosts of the party.
3. Chivalry. He offered to walk my friend and me home at the end of the night.

For me, it's the little things; the simple things. And chivalry is a big one, but we'll talk about that another time. Oh and he texted me today... Stay tuned for any progression with Pitt. I will forewarn you that the next few days will be library filled, so I'll look forward to taking a break and writing here.

I'm kind of a hypocrit.

No, I actually am a hypocrit. Remember yesterday when I said don't get involved? Well, Pitt asked me to go to the movies with his friends, and I went. But before going to the movies, I called him out on the fact that he told me not to get involved with him, and he said that it was a "disclaimer about his emotional state."
I'm not really sure if it's a bad thing for me to get involved, but I'm being very wary of Pitt, and I'm curious to see what could happen, or who I might meet.
For now, LET'S GO ORANGE!

Another one bites the dust.

"If I were you, I wouldn't get involved with me." Bye Pitt! His reasoning? He just got out of a 3-YEAR on and off relationship. If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is... And what happens if he's spending time with me and then decides he wants to be on again with who ever the girl is?
So I think that this may be the first time that I am able to actually listen to what a guy says because what he says is what he means.  If you haven't read He's Just Not that Into You, please read it!
I know that when we hear things, we hope that we can be the ones to change him. Newsflash! We can't...EVER. I think that someone should help me figure out what the rate of turnover there is for guys in my life because the statistic would be highly interesting and entertaining.

Red flag tip: If he says don't get involved with him, then don't. 

Are you sure you want to know?

This afternoon I was chatting on the phone with my sister, and I asked her about her boy situation. "Are you sure you want to hear about it? Mom didn't think you'd want to hear." It's funny how when things end with a boy, that you seemed to have liked, other people feel like tip-toeing around the subject of dating, or my lack there of. But I'm not worried about all my friends, or my baby sister, finding someone special.
However, I am worried about my trust of guys. Because I thought Mr. Pop actually liked me, and then he all of a sudden changed his mind, so how am I supposed to believe the next one? I guess, I'm just positive enough to hope, that one day, I'll feel someone is trustworthy enough for me to let them in.
Last night at the bar, I get hit on, great chemistry with a new guy, let's call him Pitt (he's a Pittsburgh fan, but from Connecticut). He walked me home, asked for my number, kissed me goodnight, and has already texted me. But isn't this just the same song and dance as every other time? I'll keep you posted. Did I mention he's great looking?

Look me in the eye.

1:54 AM... encounter with Mister Pop did not go well. And by didn't go well, I mean we both blatantly ignored eachother. I hope that when I'm not so angry I'll be able to just shrug it off and just say hi..
Maybe, one day, I'll find that person who isn't afraid (or a coward) and can give me what I want, but for now, I'm still waiting to fall, and looking for someone to catch me...and hopefully not the old man in the polo shirt...with small hands (yes, that's a turn off for me).

Not the first time...

It's 2:55 AM as I write this, and I am thanking Mister Pop (that's perfect-on-paper, for short) for deciding that he can't give me what I want. Why you ask? Because I came up with a genius idea. Why not write about all these idiots, and their charming (or not so charming) ways? Starting now, I'm going to put my personal experience into this blog in hopes that someone else can benefit from my jumping into something only to be told that it can be no longer...
So for anyone else out there that yearns to fall in love, or even just go out on a date, I'm here writing about it, for better or worse.