Love and the brain

"When it comes to love, the brain is so deeply patterned to remember, to feel, to hold..." -Helen Fisher, as quoted in It's My Pleasure

This makes sense to me. This is why I want to fall in love again. It's all because my brain knows what being in love feels like. My brain remembers it and holds it. There's a science behind this strong emotion. There's a scientific reason for why I seek it.
         And yet as I plug through this fabulous book, some of the writing resonates with me. How can I fall in love with someone if I don't fully love myself?
          I have been told that I am strong because of what I have been through at such a young age. I am told that I am brave. I am told that I am intelligent. I am told that I am beautiful. I am told that I am fun and funny. I am told that I am loving. And these are just a few things. I even have evidence to prove each of these things. But do I believe these characteristic traits are me? Sometimes.
          I want to believe each of these pieces, always. I will believe these always. It's not so high of an expectation to know that someday soon, I will wake up saying "I am strong, brave, intelligent, beautiful, loving, fun and funny." But to be realistic, I must know that I don't have to feel fabulous every day because I am human; I just have to believe in myself.
           So this will be a goal. I want to look in the mirror and be able to love me, all of me, for exactly who I am and who I am growing and evolving to be. Once that happens, my heart will be open to truly love another.

Guilt, not my pleasure

Recently, my mind and body has been taken over by Guilt. Guilt in every shape and size! It has appeared when I forget to return a call and lingers on parts of my past. Some days Guilt feels like a ghost who will not stop following me around.
          Some of these little things that I am feeling guilty about I should not let over power me, but other things hold a deeper place in my soul. Those things will take time for me to push Guilt from my life. And I know that I cannot fully open myself up to love and relationships if I do not, in some ways, conquer this feeling.
           In my quest to resolve this strong, negative emotion, I have been researching. I looked up the definition of guilt. Then I turned to Amazon.com to see what people were reading to help themselves. (Yes, I am a huge advocate for self-help books!) I made a list of a few books and checked them out of the library.
           The first book I opened, I haven't been able to put down. It's called It's My Pleasure: A Revolutionary Plan to Free Yourself From Guilt and Create the Life You Want by Maria Rodale and Maya Rodale. I have to be honest, I think this book has begun to open my eyes. It's reminding me that it's okay to take time for me and to do something that I love and makes me happy (and not feel guilty).
            I love to write. For some time, I had felt guilt for blogging, but I am teaching myself to let go of that guilty feeling because writing on here is something that makes me happy. This is something that I do for me. "It's my pleasure."

Curiouser and curiouser

As I read and re-read the comment from S, my mind reeled. And all I kept repeating in my head was "curiouser and curiouser," which is a heavily used line by Alice in the film Alice in Wonderland. Although, I do prefer the older animated version to the newer one.
        Sorry my mind just wandered. S has appeared, and now I am extremely curious about who this person could be. S revealed some clues about who she is:

1. She is a she! Or as she put it, I am a girl.
2. She and I went to high school together and is my age.
3. She and I are not Facebook friends.
4. She found my blog on AIM, which I rarely go on anymore.
5. We had classes together in high school.

          This is like a game! (Have I mentioned I'm a child at heart?) I'm intrigued and fascinated by who this person could be. At least S gave me clues, but I'm still left wondering who she might be. Unfortunately, my graduating class had over 600 students, even though I did not have class with all them.
          I am racking my brain for who you might be S, and I look forward to finding out!
          

Weak in the knees? Run away.

Have you ever met someone who made you go weak in the knees? It's almost as if your knees turned into jell-o or mush. Your heart beats faster and faster. And it's as if some power has taken hold of you, and you just can't resist him. I'm guilty of having this experience, too many times to count.
              I'm not sure if I've still learned my lesson with this feeling, or if there is even a lesson to be learned, but I think that the advice a dear friend gave me once is good advice.

"If he makes you weak in the knees, start running in the opposite direction."

              I don't know if you've ever tapped into your intuition or "gut feeling," but if you have, I would recommend listening to it when it comes to the weak in the knees feeling. As I perused Facebook during my lunch break, I found that one of my former interests most definitely gave me that weak in the knees feeling. Except when we were first getting to know each other, I was wary of him, but I did not run away.
              I definitely wouldn't change a thing of my past, including getting involved with him. I just wonder if some of the heart ache I felt with him could have been prevented if I hadn't gotten involved.
              It's just another lesson. Whether it's learned or not, it's still something to note. Maybe the next guy I meet that gives me that feeling, I will run in the other direction, but who knows. I guess I have to meet someone new first.

Who are you, S?

I love that you can search, blog, and learn on the Internet, but I get frustrated that a conversation can begin without knowing anything about the person who you've begun talking with.
           For example, I wanted to engage my readers and began asking open-ended questions. The great part is that I get responses, however, the majority of the responses have been marked "anonymous." Don't think that I'm attacking any of you "anonymous" people, but because you have all made very good points, I'm intrigued about the person that lies behind the response.
           I am a genuinely curious person. I ask questions because it's in my nature. It matters not the subject because I truly want to learn. That is something that I love about me and find to be important in building a relationship. Without some curiosity, it's difficult to build and maintain a strong relationship.
           When one of my responders signed his or her response with a simple "-S," a smile appeared on my face. Not only did S's response make me smile because of the content, but because there is a person behind this post!
           Who is S?! Is it a guy? A girl? Young? Old? Do I know him or her? Or is this someone across the country, or even someone in a foreign country?
           At first, I thought about writing about what S commented, but I changed my mind. Now here I am wondering who this S person may be. My curious nature has taken hold, so now I write wondering who you, S, may be.

Do you believe in magic?

Not in a young girl's heart like The Lovin' Spoonful sang, but in general, do you believe? It's not the kind of magic like in Harry Potter either. It's not the kind that you can cast spells on people, but the kind of magic that occurs with love.
          Have you ever cared about someone so much that you felt as though he or she had a place in your heart? A place where only he lived. When he hurts, you hurt. When he's happy, you're happy. And then there's the magic...
           At the end of the day, when he walks you to your car because he's a gentleman, he leans in and the sparks begin to fly. When he kisses you, everything seems to disappear.
          You're no longer leaning up against your car, but wrapped up in this world of you and him. The night chill melts away, and you're caught up in the smells, the tastes, the feel of just the two of us. After what feels like hours, you both pull away. Smiles spread across both of your faces.
           A warm tingling feeling of love envelopes your entire body as you get in your car to drive away. And you feel like you're floating in the clouds.
           The next day when you retell the moment to friends, goosebumps appear across your arms and chills slide down your spine. "It was like magic!" And as you and your girl friends giggle at that happiness, that's when you know it's magic.
           I believe in magic, do you?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

Today's a day of celebration. It's my mom's birthday! As I've grown up, I've learned about all different types of relationships and about the role love plays in them. Love for a father, love for a sister, love for a best friend, love for a boyfriend, love for a pet, love for an aunt, love for a grandmother, and love for a mother.
            I am blessed because I have a complete and loving family. My parents have been happily married for over 25 years. My extended family lives close by, so I have very few memories of birthday celebrations without them present. And I have a younger sister, who I look up to because of her strength. For all of this, I am grateful.
            But today is about my mother. Today is about how grateful I am that I have spent the past 22 years being loved unconditionally by a mom, a role model, and most importantly, a best friend. Even though I had moments where my love for her probably was questioned because I did not show it as much as I should have, I still have always loved her with all of my heart.
            I hope that she's reminded every day of how grateful I am for her constant presence in my life. Her love for myself, my sister, and my dad radiates throughout her and our home. I may be older now, and hopefully wiser, but my love for my mom will always be there. We don't have to say I love you all the time because we feel the love, and that makes me smile.
            Mom, I'm wishing you a happy and wonderful birthday! I love you!

Always and never.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -Wendell Johnson


What do you think? Should we use the words when it comes to love? Or not? Or just one and not the other? I'll tell you what I think when you tell me what I think. The best response will be posted as a solo post!

Noteworthy changes

When I was couch ridden in January due to dislocating my kneecap and severely spraining my left knee, I lost myself in books again. Every so often, I will go through phases where I read a new book every few days. Because I couldn't stand watching movies for 12 hours straight, I buried my nose in books.
            One book that I picked up was Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. There had been a lot of hype around the book causing me to lose interest in reading it, but because I needed a new book, I opened it up and began. As soon as I began, I couldn't put it down. I related to her pain and suffering. I loved her sense of humor, and I admired her strong ability to write. The following quote struck a chord with me.

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."

I relate to this quote in several ways. Mostly because I tend to build someone up in my mind, and then at the slightest failure of my character, he causes me to crash. What I expected of him was not who he is. So then, I would think that maybe he will change.
            We can not expect someone to change their ways for us, ever. Change must come from within himself, or more importantly within myself. It's taken me a long time to realize that no matter how hard I want, plead, or mindfully will a person to change, they won't change unless they want to. This is the same as how I won't change for anyone but myself. I used to be someone who would mold to fit what the other person thought I was or should be, but that is not longer the case.
             I've learned to accept myself for who I am. I've also learned to accept people for who they are, even though I may not want to. Whoever I end up with, I want the character of him in my mind to be the same as who he actually is. I don't want him to be playing the role I created in my mind, but for him to play the role that he wants to and is meant to play.
             Maybe this concept seems far fetched, or maybe it seems simple to you, but it took a long time for me to understand that he is going to be him. I can love him as he is, if that's the person that loves me and makes me happy and I make him happy too. Or I can leave him. It's the leaving part that I think we struggle with the most.

Calling all readers to answer another question

Last time I asked a question, I received a few great responses, all of which I appreciate. As the end of the day nears, I am interested to find out what people think about this question. (I'm in an especially pleasant mood this afternoon.)
            My mind has wandered to the world of romance. I think back to my favorite cards that I have received, or bouquets of flowers, or simply watching the sunset on a bench snuggled up against that special someone. Below, you'll find my latest question. I look forward to reading your responses, and happy Friday to you all!

Question 2: What's the most romantic gesture or experience you've ever had?

Loved and lost

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

I appreciate that I've been in love. And no one can ever take that experience away from me. But this is one of those sayings that is open-ended. What about the people who have loved, lost, appreciate it, and want to find love again?

             Is it an option to be grateful and simply live without love? Yes, but I want another option -- to be grateful and fall in love again. I just wonder about the time in between: the waiting, the yearning, and the loneliness.

             Eventually those strong emotions subside and other activities, people, and things begin to fill that void. It's just those moments when you're reminded of that feeling of being in love. Walking down the street, I'll see people holding hands and know that they are truly in love. I smile. 

             For a long time, I encased my heart with a bitterness so strong for other happy couples. My mindset was driven by, why do they get to be happy and in love and I don't? It took quite some time for me to dismiss this, but once I did, I learned to appreciate the amount of love in this world, no matter where I saw it or felt it, or what caused that love. 
              Like Dean Martin sang, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore." It shouldn't matter if you've loved and lost. If you believe in love again, then it will come. 

The Grateful Game

About a year and a half ago, I read The Secret. A lot of people are skeptical about this, or don't believe in it, but I do. I am a firm and strong believer in the concepts that the book portrays. When I was working on fully grasping the concept of being grateful, my mom and I started to play "The Grateful Game."
           We would usually play this in moments of frustration, anger, sadness, or when we were feeling the need to talk poorly about another person. Because sending out bad energy will bring bad energy back, this game worked perfectly to emit good energy instead. I even taught Pitt this game!
           To play, you need at least one other person to talk with either in person, over the phone, online, or even through texting. One person starts by stating something they are grateful for and the other person follows. For example, "I am grateful for...(fill in the blank)!"
           You go back and forth like this at least three times. By the end, you should feel better, but you must feel the feeling of gratitude as you play the game.
           It may seem silly, but I believe it works. So when I have moments with friends, family, interests, or strangers, playing "The Grateful Game" releases my tension when I can't go for a run or I don't want to vent. Being grateful and appreciative is just one of the simple ways I know how to feel love.

Adaptation

As I sat in one of my journalism classes that I took my senior year of college, we watched the movie Adaptation. The passion that drives the plot does not all stem from the same topics. But the important piece is that passion does exist.
             I wanted to quote from one of the ending scenes in the movie because I often re-read this quote when I'm feeling down about a past love or defeated. The two characters having the conversation are brothers, and they are discussing a girl that one of the brothers loved in high school. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do.

Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want. 
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic. 
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.

Yes and no, no and yes

This post's inspiration comes from a comment answering the question about the best love advice you've received. The advice was:


Say yes to the guys you usually say no to, and say no to the guys you usually say yes to.


I had heard this before, but I'm still unsure as to how I feel about it. I know that there are guys who fall into the good category, okay category, and bad category. (I created each of these categories based on the extent of my happiness and how well each person in the relationship treats the other.) 
            I've learned about the type of guy that I should be steering clear from, and yet, I have said yes to the guys that I normally wouldn't, and I've still been hurt. 
           Maybe it narrows down to making sure that all your ducks in a row, not just a few of them. When you put yourself out there, there's always the chance that you may get hurt. It's the lack of trying, or lack of being open, that sets us up for extreme loneliness or unhappiness. 
           I'm just particular, and yet, I will make this a goal of mine. The next person I meet, who I would normally not even think twice about talking to, I will give that person a chance. How about that? You should try it too. Let me know how it goes.

Just be open?

After this morning's post, I received a comment from an anonymous reader. It irked me, but at the same time, it made me realize something about myself. What I look for when I want to be dating someone is both a best friend and a love. But as I look back on all my previous relationships, I notice that none of them had ever started out as just friends, like Anonymous's current situation.

             I appreciate this comment because it's one of those "ah-ha" moments where maybe I need to be more clear in portraying what I mean in my posts. As a writer, I should be conscious of my word choices. 

             A thought that crossed my mind is that maybe I'm not open to building new relationships right now. Again, relationships require a lot of work. I have a pretty solid friend base, even though they are sprawled out across the country. And lately, I have not been my best self in maintaining some of these.

            Yet, I have decided to attend one of my friends's book group. So maybe I am open to forming new relationships, I just didn't realize that my actions are speaking louder than my words. 

“Do everything. Love as much as you can. It may hurt but it helps us grow. Give all you have. You may be poor, but you will be content. Always forgive. Your heart can not afford not to. Teach what you know and learn what you don't. Stay open to all.” -Anonymous

The less you seek love, the sooner you'll find it.

I've touched on this subject before because the last time that I fell in love, I was not looking for love. It was in a moment of least expecting it, and I now look back fondly on how passionately in love I was. So I've decided to stop looking.
            Maybe it's because I want to give to my heart to someone who I know loves me. Or maybe it's because I'm not interested in playing games anymore, especially when it comes to sex and love.
            I don't want to be seeing multiple guys at once. Or have crushes on different people. Or even portray that guys are easily replaceable, even though I don't think I ever did this. So I've stopped seeking.
             I don't know what soon means, whether it's in an hour, in a few days, in a month, or in a year, but I am grateful that I know soon will eventually come.
             When I went out last Friday night with SF, I'm not sure if it was because THE was at the bar, or if it was because I was genuinely uninterested in the overwhelming number of handsome boys that were within arms reach. Even when I was chatting with some of these guys, I was not in the mood to flirt.
             I'm hoping that this was not because of THE's presence, but because I'm trying to put myself into "seeking less" mode.
             Have you ever found yourself feeling this way? If you've ever stopped seeking and then found love, did you consciously stop seeking? Or did it just happen? I'm curious.

Men play at love to get sex. Women play at sex to get love.

After asking the question what's the best advice anyone has given you about love, I received 4 great comments in response. I wanted to share my thoughts today on the first comment.

Men play at love to get sex. Women play at sex to get love.

When I first read this, I felt a pang in my heart because truth hurts. This is a reality. And when I reflect back on a lot of my experiences, I notice that this game of love and sex can be played both ways. 

          I'm struggling with writing this post today. Maybe it's because I don't fully agree with this comment, or maybe it's because I know that you don't always have to be the man to play at love to get sex. In the past, I have found that many young men have played a game of love to get sex. But there have been times when I've seen girls play the game too. 

          Why is it that there has to be any kind of playing at all? Love should not be a game, nor should sex. Love is supposed to be a fulfilling emotion, and sex should be a gratifying and pleasurable experience that is shared. Neither should be abused in a game. And yet, both men and women are guilty of playing these games all the time. Why do you think this is? 

           In the end, it is always one person who decides that they will play however they want to, whether it is for the love or the sex. On a rare occasion, both will choose not to play the game at all, and that's when something magical happens. 

           There's just a flawed logic that stems from insecurity that causes someone to think that if you sleep with him (or her), it means he/she will like you, maybe even love you. In reality, he/she may just be using you for the sex, and nothing else. 

Just be careful, men are hairy

Sorry for not posting the past two days. I went straight from work to Manhattan to go out on the town with Thursday. But as the night went on, Thursday and I decided that she needed a new nickname. So I chose SF, which the meaning will remain between herself and I.
            Anyways, we ventured to this awesome bar called The Frying Pan to meet up with her roommate, friends, and THE. Yes, I hung out with THE. For a change, I do not feel the need to write about him. We have fun together, and I had the pleasure of meeting some of his friends. We late night dined and took a walk around the city with his adorable dog.
             I had a great night and nursed an awful hangover all day yesterday, but I realized something. I'm doing okay. Sometimes I have moments when I rant, complain, or feel I'm not making good choices, but today I realized that it's all okay.
             I'm human. I'm supposed to feel a range of emotions, from ecstatic to peeved to fuming to complacent. I'm not perfect all the time. I make mistakes. I make good decisions too, at least I think so. That's it, that's all I have to say right now.

Calling all readers! (The Question Series)

I'm coming to a point where I'm clearly lacking in the love department, but I think I'm okay with this. A couple of nights ago, I chatted with my mom about how I don't have quite as much to write about in this blog. Her suggestion - write about something else.
               As thoughts ran through my mind, I mulled over this concept. How could I write about something other than love? My blog is called "Fool for Love!" I love writing about love, and I even parted ways with someone because of this blog. (I said I would not mention him anymore, so I'm refraining.)
               Here's where you, my readers, come into play. What do you think I should write about? Yes, I'm a sucker for any topics on love, falling in love, and even broken hearts, but if I don't have any occurrences in my love life, what do you suggest I do?
              I'm needing some inspiration. So I'm going to put together a question series, compile your answers, and continue to write. Here's my first question for you all, and please respond in the comment boxes.

Question 1: What's the best advice anyone has given you about love?

Thank you, and I look forward to reading your comments!

Thank You Anonymous

I'm not sure if you're the same Anonymous as before, but either way, I wanted to say thank you. Your post not only brightened my day, but it also reminded me of a huge factor about looking for love: stop looking, and it will come.
            After this morning's post, I felt down and slightly hopeless, but the comment this afternoon sent a concept blaring through my mind. When my lost love (I still don't have an adequate nickname for him) and I fell in love, I was not looking for anyone, nor was I expecting it. The falling in love just happened. At that time, I was able to discover that I am secure in my own skin. It was with his unknowing help that I learned about myself.
            If you hadn't already noticed, I go back and forth. Yes, being in love is great and one of the most incredible experiences, but on the flip side, being in a relationship requires work. Work that's well worth it, in my book, but it's still work.
            I'm at a place in my life where my focus is around learning about myself outside of a college environment. I'm learning what life is like as a working person, with a salary and a commute. I'm learning about how I transition from living as an independent, college student to an "adult" who moved home to a loving family.
            This type of learning is huge! It is also the type of learning that cannot be fully understood or developed if I were seriously involved with someone. Maybe this is just one of those ah-ha moments, but if I really want to know who I am, I need to do that alone. So far, I think I'm doing alone just fine.

Do I look like I have the plague?

As I rode on the train filled with handsome men in suits, I wondered if I had something on my face. When I got to the office, I hightailed to the bathroom to see if this was the case. Nope, nothing besides a little makeup.
           With all of my insecurities already blaring in my head, I'm curious as to a why a 22-year-old in business casual attire (black fitted skirt, pale pink turtleneck and a long string of pearls) would be left to sit alone?
            If anyone has taken a train on Metro-North, you'll know that the rows of seats closest to the exits can seat either four or five people, but facing each other. When I got on the train this morning, I sat down in the one with four seats. Another handsome man, but not my type, shared the small space with me.
           I took the seat closest to the window, so when he got off the train at the next stop, there were three open seats surrounding me. As males, young and old, filed onto the train, not one took a seat in one of the three remaining seats.
           They would eye the open seats, then their gaze would find me, which immediately caused them to look elsewhere for a seat. One guy, who looked as though he might be in high school, looked at the seat, then chose to stand instead of share the space with me. I know that this was not because I smell because I showered this morning.
           Calling all males out there reading this, could you please explain this to me? I'm baffled and curious about why no one chose to sit with me. Please be honest, or blunt, if that's what it will take to help me understand.

Interest to friend: is it possible?

Yesterday, the topic of being just friends with someone you were never just friends with came up in conversation. Because I'm optimistic about any situation, I had not questioned just being friends with THE as a possibility, or anyone else for that matter.
              Bestest, however, pointed out that some guys do not want to hang out simply as friends, but would rather continue to hook up, or whatever it may be that you were doing before. I guess some guys will always fall into a different category. Friend, crush, hook up* only, or more. Within each of these categories, I find there to be sub-categories.
               For example, I have friends who I'll always have a crush on, but I could never date because they're not right for me. Or I have friends who definitely have crushes on me, but I'm not attracted to them. Or, the worst kind, a great friend, who I want to date, but he doesn't want to date, right now...
               Now what about those people who always want to hook up, but that's it? Then what? Honestly, I think that you can go from hook up to friend. I've done it in the past, but will it work this time?


*Hook up -- a controversial term because there is not universal or agreed definition; for me, I use it in the sense that one is engaging in sexual activity, but not necessarily sexual intercourse

An adjustment

When I don't have a guy that I'm seeing regularly, I find that I don't have as much material to share with you. I debated not even writing today, but that would be only harming myself. Back in the old days (less than a month ago), while I was still an undergraduate, I was constantly meeting new people. It was like a Six Flags for my love life.
                Now, the highlights of my days revolve around the new projects I'm given at work. Yes, this is super exciting, but it does not give me much to write about in a blog based around my love life. This is my adjustment, especially since I had expected to have my evenings filled with romance and fun, but now, I come home exhausted with no one to cuddle with on the couch.
                 Hope lies in my commute though. Too much eye candy and not enough time! It's just too bad that many of the well dressed men exit the train only one stop after I've gotten on. I remain optimistic and look forward to tomorrow's Monday morning commute.

Wants more and more

Marie Howe wrote one of my favorite poems. It's called "What the Living Do." Even though this poem is not about romantic love, the poem captures a concept of love I find important.
         I won't post the poem in it's entirety here, but I will include the part that I repeat to myself quite often:

We want the spring to come and the winter to pass. We want
whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss--we want more and more and then more of it.

But there are moments, walking, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window glass,
say, the window of the corner video store, and I'm gripped by a cherishing so deep
for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I'm speechless:
I am living. I remember you.

The first time that I discovered this poem, only a small piece of the above quotation was in an issue of Real Simple. I forget to appreciate the fact that I can feel the chill of the wind dancing across my face. I forget that I am able to feel that wanting for more and more.
          When I wake up feeling lonely, I should remind myself to be grateful that I am alive. But most of all, I forget that I have the capacity to love. I just haven't found that someone to love quite yet.

Feels like just a fool...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a fool who believes I can fall in love. And maybe I am.
          I capture these moments feeling as thought I'm on top of the world, only to be dragged down where I realize that a top of the world doesn't exist.
          Am I a fool for putting myself out there even when my heart gets smashed on? Am I a fool who wants more than can be given? I refuse to lower my standards, but then where is he?
          Guys, listen up! This is what goes through most single girls' mind that is half-normal. Fact. We put ourselves out on the line only to be disappointed. But then, one of you comes along and decides that we can be the exception. You bring us back up to share in this top of the world view, while holding us close, and just when we're about to fall for you, you let go.
           Lately, I get let go by someone great and hit the bottom, with no one to catch me. That hurts.

Thrown to a wolf

I cried myself to sleep last night. Just when I thought my tears would subside, they began to pour again. I was torn up into, what felt like, a billion little pieces. In reality, I am still whole, but my heart has been cracked.
                I never thought that writing, something that I love so much, would cause me so much pain. I also forgot that someone I trust can still hurt me.
                 I love writing. It is my passion, but when I think about how my own passion can be turned against me, in a way that tears fill my eyes, I question it. Then again, a passion will bring you to the highest highs and the lowest lows.
                  I felt small, helpless, alone and worthless. I did not begin writing this blog in order to feel this way. But if I throw myself to a wolf, I will get ripped to shreds.
                  My intentions in writing this blog were never to assume that guys were easily replaced. For anyone reading this who may think that, I appreciate your opinion, but that was not why I began, nor will I continue, if I do continue, to write.
                  Almost two years ago, I lost the person that I thought I would marry to an undetectable heart condition. We had had one of those fairy tale romances. Our story was just like one from the movies, however it ended tragically. After his passing, I made some choices that many people still do not agree with, but I did what I had to do to get out of bed and keep living.
                   Many months passed, and I decided to try to start dating again. I found a former flame who also had a broken heart. His bitterness came from how much his ex had hurt him, so if we encountered her while we were out, he'd pull away from me. I would give anything to have one of those encounters, if that meant I could see my lost love again.
                    It wasn't until about a year and a half after his passing that I met someone who put a smile on my face all the time and made me feel cared about. When that ended, I cried, but threw myself to the winds again.
                    Then, on Valentine's Day, I met Mr. Pop. I thought it was happening. I thought I had found this wonderful person who craved love as much as I did. I quickly began to trust him and confide in him, but only days after letting my guard down, he ended it. My anger and pain drove me back to writing, but this time, I wrote publicly.
                     Here I am today, scrolling through almost a hundred blog posts wondering why I've given the impression that guys can be easily replaced. The truth is that they can't. No one will ever be able to replace my lost love. I have experienced true love, and I know that fairy tales do exist. That is why I write here. That is what this "Fool" is looking for.

Wrong expectations

Sometimes, it's better to go into something with no expectations. Normally, I'll do that. Or even better, I'll have zero expectations, so then I'll have to be happy or impressed. Unfortunately, this time, I went into something with the wrong expectations. I had thought, and almost assumed, that my expectations would be met, if not better.
              I was wrong. Fortunately, I'm in a great mood. Despite this questioning and disappointment, I will accept being wrong for a change. My usual stubbornness will not take over, and I will not pity and mope because I had wrong expectations.

Goodness, greatness

For someone who started out her morning in tears, Fool is now beaming! Today was my first day of work, and I'm so excited and happy. I'm so grateful that I have a job, but I am also so grateful for my love of learning. This new position will bring me great challenges, and I have a lot to learn, but I look forward to what's a head of me. It's this kind of excitement about a career that makes me excited about life and love.
                On a side note, I got a wonderful message from Pitt last night. As you all know, he and I have become extremely good friends to the point where we can confide in each other about anything. In this fabulous message, he said thank you.
                 Because of something that has been going on in his current life, he wrote me a message showing how much he appreciated me for not deleting him from his life and taking that very difficult step to be just friends. Even though in the beginning of this, I felt tormented and frustrated, I now can say that I am genuinely proud of myself for not being selfish and cutting him off.
                 Friends turn into interests, and interests can turn into friends. There are not many people I would make a decision like this with, but when it comes to Pitt, I'm glad Pitt and Yankee (that's me!) have gotten so close!