Empty and alone

I woke up this morning with the realization that today would be the last day I could sleep in late until the weekend. I went back to sleep in hopes that this anxiety, fear and loneliness would subside. It didn't.
          In reality, I am no where near alone. I have both my parents and loving sister living with me. I have some great friends and a guy that I am interested in. So what is it that I'm missing? What do I not want to admit?
          I do not like change, nor do I handle it well sometimes. I'm afraid to speak because I might snap. I feel as tightly strung as one of the toy cars that I had when I was little. One of the ones where you pull it backwards and when you release it, it goes flying across the floor.
          Tomorrow is my first day officially in the real world. I have a fabulous job that I'm beyond excited for, but to be honest, I'm really nervous and scared. Tomorrow, I will be an employed college graduate. Summer won't be the same type of summer anymore.
          I should be grateful that I graduated college with a job, but these emotions have overcome me today because I'm about to experience a big change. And with my best friends scattered across the country, I find that my weekends here might not be filled with adventures of Shananny nor Bestest.
          For the time being, I must sit with this emptiness and hope that as the day progresses, I will be able to calm my nerves.

A change of mind

Earlier today, I posted saying that I don't search for the kind of love that I have with girl friends in a boy, but I take that back. I do want to have someone in my life that I can be both my best friend and boyfriend. I do want to find that kind of uninhibited love where we can have screaming fights, but then get over them and still be happy.
             I know that I have changed my mind before, but that is only because I'm human. And just like I sometimes say one thing and do another, it doesn't mean that I don't care. I'm just testing the waters.
             I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, but with that being said, I know I don't always practice what I preach. In this instance though, if I say that I want a guy to be my best friend and more than that, I'll prove that with my actions.
              I've also decided to keep a side journal to this blog because as much as I want to be completely open about my love life, there are still some things that should be left unsaid.

But I do appreciate girl time

Yesterday, I spent the entire day with a boy, specifically Safety Pin. He had bought me tickets to a Yankee game for my birthday, so we made the trek together to watch the Yankees lose, while getting sunburned and laughing a lot. He's a great person to have in my life, and throughout the game I continually said thank you for doing this for me.
             After what seemed like the longest day in the world, I headed over to Shananny's house to hang out with just the girls. I haven't laughed that hard or that much in a long time. All of our conversation didn't focus around boys, but around found college memories that would leave me in tears from laughing so hard.
             I envy Shananny because she had some of the college experience that I would have hoped for. A solid group of girl friends that stuck together through the easy and hard times. I won't say that I didn't love college, and Safety Pin is one of the reminders that I did build lifelong friendships with both guys and girls, I just still hope to find what Shananny has.
             Girl love is much different than falling in love with a guy. True girl love is an example of having a screaming fight and five minutes later being best friends again. Or not speaking for what seems like years then picking up where you left off without a question. That love is the kind a guy can give you, but I don't go searching for it. I may not have a solid group of girl friends that I can laugh with, but I do have several best girl friends, that I will always be able to reach to no matter what.

Wasted affection?

Talk not of wasted affections; affection is never wasted.

That is written in blue on a slip of paper that came from inside one of the fortune cookies I ate with THE. This morning, while I lay in bed thinking about how I show my affection, I realized I have made some wonderfully romantic gestures, and I felt gloomy.
             Usually, I bake to show my appreciation or care for another. Whether it's for one of my parents, my sister, a friend, or the guy I'm seeing, it would be shocking if I didn't cook or bake at least once for them. Sometimes, like this morning, I find myself in a mood telling myself: you're a fool, why would you do such a thing?
             I look back and realize that every time I have done something, my heart ends up looking like someone did jumping jacks on it. But I shouldn't think about that ending because I like showing my affection through gifts, baking and hugs. So today, I will push aside those thoughts and think about my affections that are most definitely not wasted.

Unconditional pet lovin'

There's something about the unconditional love that your pet can give you. They know you hurt and will love you whether you are healthy or sick, happy or sad, give them attention or not. Winston, our corgi, was by my side within seconds of me dislocating my kneecap in January. That was the most excruciating physical pain I have yet to endure. And Dickens, one of our three cats, always seems to show up just when you need someone warm by your side.
              Before the tears began silently sliding down my cheeks tonight, Winston took his post laying in my doorway, while Dickens jumped into my bed and practically fell asleep on top of me. The cause of my hurt doesn't need to be discussed, but that love my family's pets* show us is what does need to be discussed.
              They sense our pain and know that we need them even if we don't ask for it. That is what I call unconditional love. And that is the kind of love I look for, yearn for, think about, write about and pursue. Everything I write here, whether you agree with it or not, is me. I'm not hiding in my writing. I'm exposing myself. So when I say that I look for that unconditional love that my pets give my family and I, that is what I mean.

*We have five pets: Winston (a corgi), Tigger (an orange tabby cat), Dickens (a speckled white and grey cat), Belle (a white, not so friendly cat) and Andy (a beta fish named after my favorite Yankee Andy Pettitte)

Dear Anonymous

Last night, you made the comment on my apology post about how you think that I am getting guys to do what I want by writing about them in my blog, telling them about it, which then forces them to act differently. Because I don't know who you are, I can't completely speak to the circumstances that you know me through.
           If you refer back to an older post, you might find that I am not writing as a way of manipulating the guys I'm seeing. I am not doing this as a way to get a guy to act differently around me. More importantly, if he does choose to act differently around me, then that is his choice.
            I do not write here because I want guys to change to fit what I am looking for in a relationship, nor do I expect that to happen as a result of their reading this. I am just writing because I love to write, and it clears my mind.
            I thought your comment was endearing because it both caught me off guard and made me wonder who else thinks that I may be keeping a blog as a form of manipulation. The manipulation is not the case. And I hope that from now on, my blog posts won't be seen that way in your eyes, whoever you may be.

An apology

It never occurred to me to ask the guys that I'm writing about if it was okay to write about them. After telling my father that Bear preferred I didn't write about him, his response was "You shouldn't be writing about him, if you are seriously considering something with him."
            I guess he's right. From now on, I won't be blogging about Bear, and I'm sorry for not being honest and upfront with him about this. In the past, the guys I had been seeing found this on their own and all were flattered that they were being written about. But if you look back, I'm not with them now, am I?
            When Bear first confronted me about my blog, I was extremely angry that he didn't want me to write about him anymore. I felt like a piece of me was being stomped upon and that I was changing for him. In reality, that's not the case. I don't think that I have said anything truly demeaning about any of the guys on here, except maybe Mr. Pop, but in any case Bear makes a good point.
            What goes on between him and I should only be between him and I. So until I stop seeing Bear, he will no longer be a regularly featured guy here.

Sweet 6th grade satisfaction

Do you remember back in 6th grade the "it" boys? The ones that every girl had a crush on, including me? I do. Unfortunately, in 6th grade, I was not looking so good. I basically had a uni-brow, was bone-thin because my metabolism ran faster than an Olympian, and was clueless on how to approach guys.
            Last night, a couple of my friends and I went to Sundown Saloon, one of the few drinking establishments in this town. As we camped out at the bar, I caught someone's eye. That someone just happened to be my crush from 6th grade. I still remember feeling like I couldn't live without him even though we had never even kissed. Yes, I will even admit to writing poems about him.
            Now, he's not nearly as hot as he used to be (he's put on a few pounds in college), although he's still quite attractive. I just feel satisfied that after so much of my angst, the tables have turned, and he's the one oogling at me, instead of the reverse. I feel sweetly satisfied and look forward to more nights out in this town.

Something new

Last night, I went to Bear's house to watch the Yankee game with him and his mom. We sat on the couch, chatted, drank beer and watched as the Yankees played sloppily. I feel comfortable in his home. When it got to the last inning, his mom left her spot on the couch, so I moved over to snuggle up next to him. I like this, I thought while I lay there getting a wonderful back rub, but what's missing?
             The new feeling. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain. It's that feeling in the bottom of your stomach that you get when you're finding out about his friends, teams, activities, foods, etc. We've done that already. We did that back in November and December. Now it just seems comfortable. I don't mind the comfortable, but I want that getting to know you feeling with him again.
              More importantly, I want some romance. Maybe a dinner just the two of us, and we don't even have to go out. I guess I'm just feeling needy at the moment, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Little Bear

Except Little Bear is the tallest of the bears. This afternoon, I had the pleasure of meeting Bear's parents. We sat outside on his back patio in Adirondack chairs laughing and chatting. As I suspected, his parents are great, and I adore his mother.
               Funny how I knew this is exactly what would happen. I hung out for a couple hours, finally got the grand tour of his house, then relaxed in the kitchen while they started cooking dinner. We discussed Bear's upcoming birthday, then I got in my car and headed home for dinner with my family.
               I couldn't seem to stop smiling the whole car ride. Why would I question spending time with someone if the end of the summer could mean pain? I really like hanging out with Bear, even if it is watching a hockey game I don't care about. I'll still be careful, but at least I know that I've got something great waiting for me.
               There are just parts of my past that I wish I could talk to him about, but am too afraid to. I'm just happy to know that when I invite him over to bake cookies with me, he actually will, unlike THE. Side note, I haven't heard from THE in days. I'm disappointed, but it wasn't going anywhere anyways.

Snuggle seats

You know what's nice about the movie theater here? Snuggle seats. Last night, Bear and I went on our first date of the summer to see Iron Man 2. And instead of having to lean awkwardly over an arm rest, you can just lift it up and proceed with snuggling.
               I must say that I'm really looking forward to this summer. I'm comfortable around him, and he's just as smart, funny and charming as I remember. Driving to his house last night, I vented to Bestest that I was nervous, but as soon as I got a hug from him, my nerves vanished.
               Simply put, I like him. Not so simply put, I'm afraid. He's the kind of guy that I could see myself spending tons of time with and not getting sick of. He's the kind of guy you can bring home to your parents, and they'll adore him. He's the kind of guy who I could get attached to, but then my fear appears.
               He's hurt me before. The last time that we ended whatever we were, it was because of the distance. I know I support living in the moment, but what happens when (not if) I get attached and he heads back to Boston in the fall for graduate school? Detective and I did this last summer, but we talked about how we would be done in the fall.
              Unfortunately, we still got hurt. I still wouldn't take back a single moment though. Here we go again...

Every queen should have a king

Last night, Bestest and I, along with our motley crew of boys, headed to our final flip night. Although I cried at the bar more times than I can count and on the entire trek home, I still managed to have some good come of such a final night at school.
              Call me Ice Queen. I still do not know why this became my nickname, but I met an amazingly handsome law student at flip night. Fabulously, he's a Yankee fan, however he's also a Jets fan; we'll ignore that. He's smart, funny and charming. Most of the night is a blur, but today we have been exchanging witty BBMs, which only confirms my interest in this new boy. If only I had met him sooner.
               Maybe we will see if this could go somewhere. It's sometimes when you least expect it that something new appears. For now, my mind is on Bear and how excited I am to see him!

Ok, not fair enough

Last night, more information about THE revealed itself to me. This wasn't my choice and given to me because some people are inappropriate and immature. I can definitely say that I am ready to go home now, for good. I was reminded of how little I like to be in the middle of drama, especially surrounding my love life. If you have something to tell me, or know information that you think I should know, tell me sober and not at the bar. (Yes, I'm pissed about how this was handled.)
                  Basically, I was told by a girl, who is friend's with one of my roommates, that I should not be involved with THE because he and the other girl I was suspicious about had a thing. However, towards the end of her story, things were a little shady, so I'm not quite sure what to believe anymore. Because I like to go to the person involved with a situation, I decided to text THE:

Fool: I'm hearing some super sweet talk about you
THE: Really
Fool: Yea not so good
THE: I don't wanna hear it at all
Fool: Apparently I shouldn't be involved with you anymore
THE: Well then I definitely don't wanna hear about it, nor talk about it
Fool: Ok, is it wrong of me to think you might like me?
THE: No, not at all. But I'm not talking about it
Fool: Ok fair enough

Because I had a few drinks in me, tears followed. Sick of dealing with stupid and childish drama, I texted Thursday asking for some girl talk. As I left the bar, I returned her call, and we talked on the phone for over an hour and a half. Something clicked between me and Thursday, and it's refreshing knowing that when I go home, I'll have a great friend living only a train ride away from me.
                  I'm not sure what to think about THE anymore, but I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm hurt by what was said to me, but I'm more hurt by the fact that THE won't talk to me about this. Maybe it's because we were talking via text, or maybe it's because this is it, in a not so fair way.

Definitely when I get back

To start, I'm sorry for not posting over the past few days. I'm officially a graduate of Syracuse University. As I stood next to Bestest on the football field of the dome, tears welled up in my eyes. We moved our tassels from the right to the left, and this place was no longer home.
              I'm hurting. Bear and I talked, and he's not sad like I am. I know I will still see my closest friends, but it won't be at the bar or in passing on the quad. As I struggle to write this, I am thinking about how much of a love affair I had with this place.
              Instead of reminiscing, I will think about the bright side. Over my last few days, I got to spend lots of time with THE. Sleepovers, flirting, talking, laughing and eating, but that won't happen the same way anymore.
              As I plopped down on his futon on Friday night, I burst into tears. The walls of his room were bare, and the cozy feeling I had when I spent my time in his third floor bedroom was gone. He smirked and teasingly yelled at me to stop crying, but a reality was kicking in. It wasn't until we were play fighting in his bed that I was back to my giggling self.
              I asked if we would hang out still after we left campus, and he told me it was up to me. And I guess it is. I want to see him when we get home, but who knows what will end up happening. I find that things change because of environment and location. That's definitely the case with Safety Pin.
               I have to be honest, I miss THE. And that was not what I thought would happen.
          

Just like toddlers

Thanks to the wonderful Thursday (who I'm definitely going to need to come up with a better nickname for), I have some savvy advice to share with you: Treat boys like toddlers.

"Most boys tend to follow the same basic psychology of your average two year old. Walk toward him, toddler runs away; walk away, toddler follows. Pitt included. But what do I know."

Thank you Thursday for this wonderful tid bit. When I think about it now, I realize how similarly guys our age act like toddlers. And Thursday was kind of right.
           Last night, instead of texting THE, I decided to wait it out. After several hours had passed since we last exchanged texts, he texted me. Three days until he leaves campus for good, so I hope to make the most of it.

No mozzarella sticks for THE

Hmm.... I don't know where to begin, except that I would really appreciate a reason why THE is not at my apartment right now. Ever since one of our lunch dates when we shared mozzarella sticks, he and I have discussed making them from scratch.
          To give him a warning, last night I texted him saying that tonight Bestest and I would make mozzarella sticks for dinner so he should not make dinner plans. Well surprise, surprise! THE is not here and flaked out, again.
          When a girl offers to cook you dinner, friend or interest, you go. It's really a simple concept. So why doesn't THE get it? We have fun when we're together, right?
           Sometimes, I find that his actions and his words don't line up. Sounds extremely familiar to my situation with Pitt, but at least I trusted Pitt. Maybe I just need to stop protecting myself so much with THE, but I don't know if that would be the smartest of ideas.
           For now, I'm going to continue drinking a beer on the couch with Bestest, while watching the best team in the universe kick butt in baseball.

P.S. THE just texted me saying that he fell asleep. Thoughts?

Successfully single senior year

I expected to cry yesterday. I thought I would, but I didn't. I took my last final exams of my undergraduate career. This is beyond bittersweet. Bitter because I love school (including class) more than anything; yes, I'm a total dork. But sweet because I'm about to start brand new adventures, maybe with brand new boys?
              Anyhow, I look back to August, and I think about how I walked into this school year wanting to be single, and guess what? I was technically single for the entire year. After entering a summer romance with Detective knowing that we would end when I came back to Syracuse, I told myself to be single, and I was, very successfully.
              I say technically single because I did see guys throughout the year; sometimes multiples at the same time. No, I'm not as innocent as I let on to be, but sometimes knowing less doesn't hurt anyone. I'm happy I've been single for all this time. Great success!

Ain't gonna pin me down

There's someone who I have failed to mention in my blog. I wouldn't say that I haven't tried to mention him, but I don't know if mentioning him will help or harm our cause. He means more to me than I can put into words, but he also fails to be reliable all the time.
            I struggled to think of a nickname for him until VP put things into a perfect perspective. Safety Pin will be his nickname. Why?
            Because he plays the role of a safety pin in my life, most of the time. For Christmas, he bought me a watch with safety pins, but beyond that he's actually like a safety blanket for me. We stick together, and when he does fix things for me, it's just like a safety pin. He's someone I consider to be one of my closest guy friends.
            However, the problem with safety pins is that they can come undone. Just as quickly and painlessly as they fix something, safety pins can come apart. And that happen sometimes with us. Sometimes, when I need him the most, he's not there.
            So as much as there is magic and genuine love and true friendship between the two of us, Safety Pin and I cannot date. Or at least, not right now.

Of course she's awesome

Last night, I met Thursday, or maybe I should rename her as Really Awesome Girl. Thursday is Pitt's ex-girlfriend, and just as I expected, I want to be good friends with her. I'm not surprised by this though because in the past, guys have lead me to meet and become best friends with girls.
             Not only is she smart and funny, I think the best way to describe her is adorable. I understand why Pitt is in love with her. How could a guy not be?
             The strange part though is that there was no awkwardness or discomfort between us. Pitt and Thursday picked me up from my apartment before heading back to his house to drink and eat. Conversation was easy. Later in the night, at a very random house party, Thursday and I bonded to the point where Pitt wanted to come hang out too, but we giggled and said no because it was girl chatter time.
             Sometimes in girl world, we try to find a fault in another to make ourselves feel better, but I don't want to to do that with Thursday.
             I'm proud of myself. I pushed past that road block of normally cutting guys out of my life when things don't work out. Now I have a group of great guy friends, and potentially a great new girl friend. Sometimes sacrifices are worth it because one form of happiness may be replaced with a different, better kind of happiness.

And as promised, an honorable mention to Pancakes, Napkin, Wolfman and Gamer for being fabulous friends of mine!

Sir Blanket Man

It's 7PM and THE just left my apartment. What an odd concept. We spent all night at the bar together, came back here, and as I write, he's walking home in the crappy Syracuse weather. Yes, for all of you who hear that Syracuse's weather is bad, I can vouch because it's supposed to snow tonight (it's May!).
              I feel like I'm floating right now. Usually, I get to a point where I've had enough time with a boy, but not with THE (or as he called himself, Blanket Man). He chatted with my roommates after we stuffed our faces with delicious pancakes. Then we just lay around all day watching the Mets (eew!) and Food Network.
              I like this. I like him. And last time I posted saying that I like him, I ended with FML. But this time, I won't end it that way. Liking someone should be a good thing, even if I have no idea what we are or where it's headed.
             So for now, I will sit with my happiness because THE makes me happy. And I won't say anymore than that.

Out of cranky land

Yesterday, I was miserable all day. I cried too many times to count, and even several hours hanging out at Pitt's couldn't cheer me up. However, he and I did figure out why I was so terribly cranky: I hate goodbyes. And after watching Grey's last night, I thought that I might want to see THE.
            Bad idea. I realized that seeing him probably wasn't the best idea since I was laying on the couch crying, and I probably wouldn't have been the nicest of people towards him. I also realized that in the past I would turn to a guy to distract me instead of facing my problems head on.
           So last night, as I lay in bed thinking, I grew up a little bit. I could have spent the night masking my feelings by laughing with THE, but I didn't. I reflected on the pain I was feeling, and I woke up this morning with a fresh start. Saying goodbye to Regis wasn't actually goodbye. It was, as he said, see you soon!
            Today, I'm out of cranky land, and I've already been extremely productive. Oh, and tonight, I'll be meeting Thursday (the reason that things ended with Pitt). Stay tuned. I think things are about to get really interesting, but very good interesting. I'm excited to meet her!

Everybody wins!

I woke up this morning feeling off. Then I realized that it's just another day closer to graduation. Last night on the phone with my mom, she asked if I was getting excited to graduate. No, the answer is no. I'm not happy about this, at all.
          What happened to the excitement I felt when I faxed my acceptance of my job offer over to my future job? It disappeared.
           Just like how tomorrow, Regis, my other half in the male form, will disappear from school. He's leaving campus early to do an internship at the Cannes Film Festival in France. As much as I wish he would stay, this opportunity is too great for him to pass up. (He will be blogging from France for anyone who wants to read about his updates.)
            But with him leaving, I feel like my whole world is crumbling. As I reflect on my time here, I think about how important friends are as a support system and as someone who loves you unconditionally.
            Regis and Kath. That was me and my best guy friend for the past 4 years. And this place, up on the hill, is no longer going to be a place we call home. Instead, my home will be Connecticut, and Regis will head back to Pennsylvania.
             The love between the two of us is a different kind of love. This is the kind of unconditional and great friend love of someone who will help pick you up off the floor when you can't stop crying. Or the kind where you can spend hours writing Post-It notes all over an apartment for no reason. Or the kind where you can make up silly drinking games where everybody wins!
            I will miss Regis, but what keeps me sane is that I know we will be best friends forever. I mean, who else turns a garbage bag into a poncho in down pouring rain just so that you can go dance at the bar?

Mr. Pop feels bad?

Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. Girl lets her guard. Boy smashes on girl's heart. The end.

This is what happened with me and Mr. Pop. But guess what readers? Mr. Pop feels bad! There's something extremely satisfying knowing that he's hurting because of how we ended.
           We finally chatted on the phone today, sober. Sober is key because last time we had talked, we were at the bar. And as much as I stressed that I wanted to be friends with him, he didn't believe me. But anyone who knows me, and I think he got to know the real me pretty well, should know that I forgive far too easily and always just want everybody to happy and friends.
            I am happy. I really want him and I to be friends, good friends. When you look at any relationship, or any semi-solid relationship, you should uncover a fabulous friendship.
           If you take away the cuddling, the kissing, the sex, you should have a great friend staring you in the face. A best friend. I'd like to say that before everything fell apart with us, Mr. Pop and I were great friends. And to be honest, I miss that.
            When we got off the phone today, I smiled. It may have taken several months to get to this point, but if that's what it takes to have someone you miss back in your life, then I will accept that time.

Some reflections (and Bear's back!)

Yesterday, I lay on the quad with Pitt in the sun, and I kept flashing back to last summer when Detective and I would spend our Saturdays feeling that hot July heat in Central Park. He would burn and freckle, while I turned a dark brown.
            I miss him, but for reasons that I will not go into right now, we won't ever date again. There was just something magical about our summer romance, and I thank him for that. I'm very much looking forward to having dinner with him once I move home because he's still someone I want in my life.
           Then I was thinking about how Pitt and mine's relationship has developed over the past few months. If you look at us before and after our "break up," we are exactly the same minus the making out. I like this. Yes, I still like him, but I'm really happy about being able to talk to him about anything (even THE). You don't find companionship in someone this quickly very often.
           Oh, and Bear's back in my life. He contacted me yesterday about my new job, and what I thought would be a short conversation turned into a couple hours of talking, exactly like we used to. I am SO happy! He's going to be home this summer and is going to try harder this time around. I forgot how much he made me smile all the time when we were talking almost 24/7.
            I say this as a smiling Fool: this could be the re-start of something good, don't you agree?

I like THE. FML.

For those of you who don't know the term "FML," it is a widely used and mostly accepted term among our generation. It exploded when a website began that allowed people to post a moment where they felt the term FML was necessary.
          I'm camped out by a giant window in the library craving to be soaking up the sun, but instead I am taking a short break from all the work that I have been putting off for far too long. Usually, I am very on top of my work, but recently I have been distracted by that wonderful disease called senioritis, and now, apparently my crush on THE.
          2 weeks from today, the class of 2010 will have offcially graduated, and THE will be gone from campus. He won't be sticking around to party like myself and my friends, so no more snugglng nor procrastinating nor searching on Petfinder for the perfect pup for his cousin.
          I'm going to miss this. That's why I can say, I like THE, FML.

It's what you make it...

Annie Leibovitz, the famous photographer, came to speak here on Thursday night. And some of her parting words seem to capture exactly where I am with THE.

Reality is plenty. That's life. You make it what it is.

I'm sitting here writing this at my kitchen table, while THE taps away on his laptop on my couch. Yes, THE is here. We're good together. He came over tonight, put my clunky air conditioner in the window, then stayed to do homework, watch TV on the couch, order (and eat) more dumplings, then get back to doing homework.
           This is life. I am living, a reality. And yet, I still don't trust him. Is my lack of trust of THE a reality? Or am I making this up because I have previous trust issues with guys? Except for the fact that he doesn't want a girlfriend, he hasn't done anything to make me not trust him.
            Maybe the statement that he doesn't want a girlfriend makes me think that when he's not with me, he's with someone else. But I have no proof of this.
           For some reason, I just keep flashing back to high school, with the guy who reeled me in, strung me along, then tossed me aside. He did this all while seeing other girls, and even had a girlfriend!
            Yes, this is where my trust issues come in. So instead of drudging up the past, I'm going to sit here and reflect on that I like spending time with THE and want nothing more than that right now.

Dream on Dragon

I woke up this morning terrified and sweaty in my bed. Why? I had a nightmare about dragons chasing and killing people. All my family and friends were in my dream, even THE. Because I'm an extremely active dreamer, I headed to my favorite dream analysis website to find out what it means to dream about a dragon.

Dragon: To see a dragon in your dream, signifies that you let yourself get carried away by your passion. This kind of behavior may lead you into the hands of enemies. You need to exercise some self-control.

Of course this makes sense. I absolutely do get carried away by my passion. In the past, guys have told me that I can be too emotional, and I would always dig my heels deeper in the ground not letting myself change.
          Now, I won't change for THE, or anyone else except myself. Yes, I was angry with THE, and I don't like the fact that he didn't invite me to the party, but today's a new day. So I will try to let go of some of this passion...

Shady with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

I'm pissed off. THE has not been shady once, but twice today. Normally, I have had a drink or two when I get angry like this, so I would refrain from posting, however I am sober. This post contains my 100 percent pure, uninhibited anger.
             Why is THE being shady you ask? To start, we were supposed to hang out this afternoon, or at least I was under the impression that after watching the Mets game we would hang out. But it wasn't until 2 hours later that I ended up going over.
              Because I voice my thoughts and feelings, I told him that I had waited around for him to hang out this afternoon. He apologized, and that was that. So let's up this game here...
              Apparently, he and his roommates are throwing their friend a birthday party at THE's house. Oh, and THE did not invite me. Why? I have no clue. And when I asked him, he avoided the question adding some whipped cream into the mix.
               But ready for the cherry that tops off THE's shadyness? His roommates invited me to the party. One even asked me where I was going as I walked out the door. She then told me to come back.
               Too bad I'm stubborn and feel that I'm making a point by not attending. Then again, why would I go? THE didn't want me there...

Where we stand.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, which is nothing out of the ordinary for me. Now I'm wondering, well where does this all stand?
         On Thursday night, after doing some drinking, I went home with THE. I'm not sure why I started to give him a hard time, but I did. Of course I feel terrible about this, but then why do I do it?
         Because once again, I'm trying to protect myself. I don't want to let my guard down completely with him because I know that there is no future with us, or at least, I don't think there is a future for us. And I'm still in a place where I fear getting hurt. 
         I just don't know where we stand: THE and I. Neither of us wants a relationship, but then what does it mean for us?
         I don't want us to stop talking after we graduate. And I would really like for us to continue to stay friends and to even hang out. We live near each other, as I had mentioned earlier, and that makes staying in touch easier.
          Is this something he will want? Later, when I see him, I will ask.